Desert Island Dicks

April 25th 2006

Following my post on homosexuals the other day Paul Quayle of Brentford has e-mailed me, accusing me of being a homophobe. I’m not, it’s just that I can’t see the attraction of anal copulation. Nor indeed can I imagine how such a ridiculous notion was ever contemplated. It can only have been conceived out of desperation, probably by a man cast away with another man on an uninhabited desert island, somewhere in the Pacific Ocean……..

FIRST MAN: (INCREDULOUS) Can you do what?

SECOND MAN: Put my dick up your bottom?

FIRST MAN: You’re joking of course?

SECOND MAN: No.

FIRST MAN: You really want to put your dick up my bottom?

SECOND MAN: Please.

FIRST MAN: Why?

SECOND MAN: Well I’m feeling randy and, in the absence of any women, I thought…..

FIRST MAN: You thought what?

SECOND MAN: Well I thought that your anus would make a very good substitute vagina.

FIRST MAN: A good substitute vagina? There’s shit up there.

SECOND MAN: I don’t mind.

FIRST MAN: I mind. Any shit up there is meant to come down not be poked farther up. Jesus, the nerve of you!

SECOND MAN: Please. You can do it to me afterwards.

FIRST MAN: What? What would I want with my dick all covered in shit?

SECOND MAN: Well if that’s all that’s bothering you you’ll be able to wash it off after. There’s the whole of the Pacific Ocean to wash it off in. It would only be like washing off sperm and vaginal juices after having sex with a woman.

FIRST MAN: Sperm and vaginal juices don’t smell like shit.

SECOND MAN: You could hold your nose.

FIRST MAN: Look, life may be a little boring right now but I can still find better things to do with my time than stand here washing my dick in the Pacific Ocean with one hand while I’m holding my nose with the other.

SECOND MAN: You might like it.

FIRST MAN: I might like washing my dick in the….?

SECOND MAN: No. Having my dick up your bottom.

FIRST MAN: I might enjoy shitting glass. Come to think of it it might be very similar to shitting glass.

SECOND MAN: Oh I’m sure it wouldn’t. Please?

FIRST MAN: No.

SECOND MAN: Why not?

FIRST MAN: Because it will hurt.

SECOND MAN: No it won’t, I’ve only got a small dick.

FIRST MAN: Small dick my arse!

SECOND MAN: Ooh I thought you’d never ask!

Published by

Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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