Three Best Jokes

May 14th 2006

In the way of a change, here are my all time three favourite jokes, in no particular order –

 

A woman complained to her husband about her small breasts, telling him she wished they were bigger. He said: “Just rub between them with a piece of tissue paper every day.” She said: “Will that make them bigger? “ He said: “I don’t see why not, it worked for your arse.”

 

The Chief of a tribe of Red Indians always named the new born papooses. In his forty years as Chief he had named over five thousand. One day one of the Indian Braves asked him how he went about choosing a name. “It easy,” said the Chief. “When baby born I look around me. See deer running in forest. Call baby Running Deer. See white cloud in sky. Call baby White Cloud. But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why you so interested?”

 

A man was released from Strangeways prison after serving twenty years. What he needed, and fast, was a woman. Any woman. A prostitute would be fine. A prostitute would be preferred in fact, because you don’t have to bullshit them first. But all he had to his name was ten pence and a pair of plimsolls. On the streets of Manchester he approached a prostitute. ‘How much do you charge, love?” he asked. “Five pounds,” she replied. “I’ve only got ten pence and a pair of plimsolls,” said the man. “Ten pence and a pair of plimsolls?” scoffed the prostitute. “I’m not doing it for that; what do you think I am?” The man pleaded with her, explaining that he was newly released from prison and desperate for the comfort a woman. The prostitute softened to his story. “Well all right then,” she said. “But there won’t be any passion. You can’t expect any passion for ten pence and a pair of plimsolls.” But the man wasn’t bothered that the liaison would be passionless on her part, he had enough passion for the both of them. She took him to his flat, and without ceremony, but with a condom, they got on the bed and started to make love. After a short while the prostitute’s arms came up and around the man and her legs rose off the bed and wrapped round him. The man smirked and said to her “I thought you said there wouldn’t be any passion?” She said “I’m trying on the plimsolls.”

 

So there they are. If you know of any funnier jokes I’d love to hear them.