What's In A Name?

June 16th 2006

Film star Michael Caine’s real name is Maurice Micklewhite. Not a lot of people know that. But a lot of people would guess that he changed it to Michael generic cialis Caine because Maurice Micklewhite is a really crap name. ‘The Italian Job’, starring Maurice Micklewhite? I don’t think so. It would never have got beyond a suggestion. ‘Get Carter’? Get somebody else, per…lease!

John Wayne’s real name was Marian Morrison. So he was doubly cursed, named both after a woman and a down market supermarket. You can well understand the Duke’s eagerness to change his name, because if he hadn’t people would have had to call him the Duchess. And just imagine someone called Marian Morrison as a Roman centurion having to deliver the line ‘This truly was the Son Of God’. I mean even with the name John Wayne he made a balls of it.

Judy Garland’s real name was Frances Gumm. Really. ‘A Star Is Born’? Not with a name like that she wouldn’t have been. ‘A Star Is Aborted At Three Months’ possibly.

Sean Connery’s real name is Juan Accent. Enough said.

We can well understand then why film stars change their names. It’s simply because their real names would be a source of embarrassment to them. And it’s the same with well-known people in other walks of life. For example – 

John Prescott, who not only changed his name but also his nationality. In reality he’s a Thai named U Phat Twat.

Jonathan Ross’s real name is Jonathan Ranker.

JKR Tolkien was born Herbert Horseshit.

JK Rowling  was Hannah Horseshit.

Dick and Dom were christened Ant and Dec

Bruce Forsyth was once Jim Smut.

Snoop Doggy Dog was christened Scoop Dogshit.

Mary J Blige was Mary J Bilge (and still is some would say).

Sven Goran Eriksson was born Will Fuckanythingwithapulse.

Gary Lineker was once Gary Mogadon.

Arthur Arsehole was christened Ben Elton.

David Beckham was Hugh Know.

Elton John was once Ben Dover. (It is claimed his real name is Reg Dwight but that’s obviously a lie as Elton John is an even more embarrassing name than Reg Dwight. 

There are no doubt many others I haven’t heard of.

3 Comments

  1. Went to see Roxy Music just before Bryan Ferry went solo for a while. The announcer said “Please welcome on stage Ferry Music!”. The band looked slightly bewildered as they ambled on stage. The first song they did – very tongue in cheek – was “Ferry ‘Cross the Mersey”. Just before they started Bryan Ferry said “Hi I’m Bryan Roxy”. A young’n next to me had been brought by his Aunt. She said “Oh dear we’re at the wrong concert” and went off for a refund. Saw a good film the other night with Angelina Jelly in it. She can’t half wobble n all.

    Comment by Four Dinners — June 16, 2006 @ 12:41 pm

  2. jim kerr from simple minds has a half brother from mexico. juan.

    Comment by fatfiz — June 16, 2006 @ 3:57 pm

  3. Do you think Bobby Knutt is his real name?

    Comment by Raised By Chaffinches — June 18, 2006 @ 11:30 am

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.