Swimming Lessons 5
July 5th 2006
Since being invited by the leisure centre manageress to join the 10.30 Monday swimming class I discovered, thanks to a chance meeting in Matalan with the hump back Mr Gearing (apparently their jumpers are the only ones that will fit him), that the class in question is the female equivalent of our men’s oldies class. Evidently the leisure centre powers-that-be have decided in their wisdom to lump us all together, disregarding their previous reservations about the risk of possible hanky panky, rather than take the risk of being sued by Mr Gearing, the dwarf Mr Leeson, the fat fuck Mr Liddiard, the man with the glass eye Mr Pargiter, and the man with the club foot, me.
In the event I chose not to attend the lesson. I knew what would happen. Once the instructor had started to give Mr Leeson individual tuition by towing him across the pool Mr Liddiard would demand the same treatment. What would happen after I don’t know, except that it would be some sort of shambles, but whatever it was it certainly didn’t warrant me having to pretend I have a club foot. (I hadn’t gone very far down that road beyond searching through our charity shop’s extensive range of footwear in order to see if there was anything in Elton John style platform soled boots I could borrow one of. There was one pair, and in only half a size less than my size, but after trying one of them on I found that although I could certainly limp all right, one leg being about three inches longer than the other, I had a job staying on my feet.)
When I say I didn’t go to the leisure centre that isn’t strictly true. I went but I didn’t go inside the building. I wanted to see if my suspicions would turn out to be correct.
The exterior walls of the swimming pool are made of plate glass so it is easy to see inside. I duly took up position outside at 10.30 on the dot and peered within. There were eight would-be swimmers in all, four of them women, the other four being the men from my class, all stood poolside listening to the instructor.
Many women in their sixties and even their seventies can still be quite attractive but the four women I was now looking at were definitely not among their number. That’s putting it as diplomatically as I can. Putting it as undiplomatically as I can they were fat ugly cows. Hanky panky with them would certainly not be on the agenda. A hanky maybe, to dry your tears, but most definitely no panky.
I settled myself to await developments, my nose pressed to the glass to get a better view, when suddenly I heard a voice of authority behind me.
“Hoy! What’s your game?”
I turned to see a security man, presumably employed by the leisure centre, although I’d never seen one before. Perhaps they’re like policemen, only ever there when you don’t want them.
“Bloody Peeping Tom, are you? Sodding Peeping Tom pervert?”
I looked at him in disbelief. It was quite genuine disbelief too, I didn’t have to pretend. “Are you joking?” I said. “Have you seen what’s in the pool at the moment?” I looked through the glass at the group of swimmers. His gaze followed mine. “If I wanted to be a Peeping Tom,” I went on, “which I don’t, I would do my peeping when the pool was full of nubile young sixteen to eighteen-year-old girls, not when it’s occupied by a dwarf, a fat fuck, a hump back, a man with a glass eye and four old women with tits hanging down to their waist. So kindly piss off and mind your own business.
He went. And so did I, very soon afterwards, before someone else who had difficulty minding their own business came along.
So my swimming career has come to a premature end, even before it ever really started. And if I fall in the canal I’ll just have to take my chances.
Wait for a couple of nubile 18 year old’s to wander by n fall in’t canal. Get rescued, get the kiss of life. Risky I know if they can’t swim or prefer to have a giggle watchin’ yer drown, but if it works the rewards are huge. Their boobs might be too….
Comment by Four Dinners — July 6, 2006 @ 3:49 am
Nubile 18 year olds don’t even see 68 year olds let alone pull them out of canals as you will find to your cost when you are 68 Four Dinners.
Comment by Razzamatazz — July 6, 2006 @ 11:17 pm
Diabetes…
[…]free diabetic tools for diabetes patients[…]…
Trackback by Blood Sugar Meter — May 6, 2011 @ 6:47 pm
Nook eBook Reader…
[…]the Nook is a great device for those interested[…]…
Trackback by Online Libraries — May 9, 2011 @ 5:01 pm
What Causes Dark Under Eye Circles…
[…]a look at the top reasons behind[…]…
Trackback by Dark Circles Under Eyes — May 9, 2011 @ 6:45 pm
Monitoring Glucose Levels…
[…]free tools for diabetics in the USA[…]…
Trackback by Normal Blood Glucose Levels — May 11, 2011 @ 11:47 pm
Business eBooks…
[…]finance, economics and more in eBook format[…]…
Trackback by eBook Readers — May 18, 2011 @ 12:44 pm
What Causes Dark Under Eye Circles…
[…]a look at the top reasons behind[…]…
Trackback by Dark Under Eyes — May 18, 2011 @ 8:49 pm
Diabetic Supplies…
[…]provided free of charge to patients[…]…
Trackback by Blood Glucose Levels — May 30, 2011 @ 1:16 am
Sites we Like………
[…] Every once in a while we choose blogs that we read. Listed below are the latest sites that we choose […]………
Trackback by weight loss — July 23, 2011 @ 12:26 am
Blogs you should be reading……
[…]Here is a great blog you might find Interesting that we encourage you[…]……
Trackback by juegos mario — July 27, 2011 @ 5:20 pm
Check this out……
[…] that is the end of this article. Here you’ll find some sites that we think you’ll appreciate, just click the links over[…]………
Trackback by juegos online — July 27, 2011 @ 6:47 pm
Cool sites…
[…]we came across a cool site that you might enjoy. Take a look if you want[…]……
Trackback by garment news daily — July 28, 2011 @ 11:49 am
Visitor recommendations trackback……
[…]one of our visitors recently recommended the following website[…]………
Trackback by buy visits — July 28, 2011 @ 9:29 pm
Check this out……
[…] that is the end of this article. Here you’ll find some sites that we think you’ll appreciate, just click the links over[…]………
Trackback by yachting tools — August 3, 2011 @ 6:26 pm
Awesome website……
[…]the time to read or visit the content or sites we have linked to below the[…]………
Trackback by hotel in interlaken — August 3, 2011 @ 11:15 pm
Blogs you should be reading……
[…]Here is a great blog you might find Interesting that we encourage you[…]……
Trackback by Buy Comments — August 6, 2011 @ 11:54 am
Check this out……
[…] that is the end of this article. Here you’ll find some sites that we think you’ll appreciate, just click the links over[…]………
Trackback by free classifieds — August 6, 2011 @ 11:10 pm
Sites we Like………
[…] Every once in a while we choose blogs that we read. Listed below are the latest sites that we choose […]………
Trackback by naples hotel — August 7, 2011 @ 10:18 pm
You should check this out……
[…] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well […]………
Trackback by rimini hotels — August 9, 2011 @ 9:03 pm
You should check this out……
[…] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well […]………
Trackback by Bodybuilding Girl Talk — August 10, 2011 @ 3:04 pm
Awesome website……
[…]the time to read or visit the content or sites we have linked to below the[…]………
Trackback by NIW — August 15, 2011 @ 1:02 am
Online Article……
[…]The info mentioned in the article is some of the best available […]………
Trackback by buying a home in the us — August 16, 2011 @ 5:00 pm
Great website…
[…]we like to honor many other internet sites on the web, even if they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Under are some webpages worth checking out[…]………
Trackback by http://bankruptbookie.com/2009/09/28/shes-good-shes-better/ — August 16, 2011 @ 10:57 pm
You should check this out……
[…] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well […]………
Trackback by CHANEL — August 17, 2011 @ 2:27 am
Awesome website……
[…]the time to read or visit the content or sites we have linked to below the[…]………
Trackback by hotels in toulouse — August 17, 2011 @ 4:56 pm
Websites worth visiting……
[…]here are some links to sites that we link to because we think they are worth visiting[…]………
Trackback by Cheap Hotels in Rome — August 21, 2011 @ 1:54 pm
Recommeneded Websites…
[… ]Here are a number of the sites we recommend to get our visitors[… ]……
Trackback by simvastatin side effects — August 21, 2011 @ 1:54 pm
Cool sites……
[…]we came across a cool site that you might enjoy. Take a look if you want[…]………
Trackback by Manhattan Beach home inspector — August 23, 2011 @ 9:34 pm
Websites worth visiting……
[…]here are some links to sites that we link to because we think they are worth visiting[…]………
Trackback by Dentists Surrey — August 23, 2011 @ 9:41 pm
You should check this out……
[…] Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a few unrelated data, nevertheless really worth taking a look, whoa did one learn about Mid East has got more problerms as well […]………
Trackback by Paris Hotels — August 24, 2011 @ 7:58 am
Cool sites……
[…]we came across a cool site that you might enjoy. Take a look if you want[…]………
Trackback by Oak Furniture — August 26, 2011 @ 12:54 pm
Sites we Like………
[…] Every once in a while we choose blogs that we read. Listed below are the latest sites that we choose […]………
Trackback by cybergenics — September 3, 2011 @ 12:21 am
Our Trackback……
[…]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[…]………
Trackback by Hotels in Munich — September 7, 2011 @ 4:07 pm
Our Trackback……
[…]very few websites that happen to be detailed below, from our point of view are undoubtedly well worth checking out[…]………
Trackback by st paul mn real estate — September 7, 2011 @ 4:40 pm
Online Article……
[…]The info mentioned in the article is some of the best available […]………
Trackback by Commercial Painters Perth — September 7, 2011 @ 9:18 pm