Wheely bin

July 12th 2006

I said to the wife, “The bin men are late today.”

“They’re not coming today.”

“What do you mean they’re not coming?”

“They put a sticker on the wheely bin last week. Staff Training or something.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I put the Pollitt’s dog in there. It should have been landfill by tonight. ”

“How am I supposed to know your going to put the Pollitt’s dog in the Wheely Bin ?”

“What else do you think I’m going to do with it, berry it at bloody sea and give it a 21 gun salute?”

“You’ve all ready given it a 1 gun something but it wasn’t a salute.”

Vera can be quite sharp of wit sometimes.

“Christ all bloody mighty, what am I going to do with it?”

“You’ll have to take it to the Vet’s.”

“The Vet’s? It’s dead you silly Bitch. Not even Rolf Harris and the entire staff of the Animal Hospital with Jesus Christ as back up doing miracles could get You Twat breathing again.”

“They have a pet cemetery. Behind the Vet’s Surgery. Very tasteful I believe. Jane Truscott had her dog berried there, it was £120. Every pet has its own Stone. even goldfish.”

“They charge £120 for berrying a goldfish?”

No, the price depends on the size of the pet. For a fish pet you could probably have a tuna or a few salmon berried for that price. Anyway Jane Truscott said £120 was a bargain.

“Perhaps we should get Jane Truscott to have it berried then because there’s no way I’m forking out £120.”

“Well you can’t leave it in the wheely bin for a week it’ll start smelling soon. Instead of people complaining because it barks they’ll be complaining because it doesn’t bark.”

She was right. I had a dead body on my hands and I had to get rid of it somehow. It was still morning and there weren’t any of the wife’s ‘my’ programmes on the telly until My Countdown at half past three so I watched four episodes of The Sopranos to get disposing of dead body ideas. In one of them Chris and Paulie cut Ralphie into small chunks with a band saw but that method of disposal is a bit too gruesome even for somebody like me who did his National Service as a cook in the Catering Core, and anyway I haven’t got a band saw.

In the end I berried it in Razza’s back garden. There wasn’t enough space in the borders for it so I dug a plot in his lawn and so it didn’t look to much like a grave I planted a rose bush in it. It should do very well next year.

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

One thought on “Wheely bin”

  1. I think Razz’d better stay on holiday for a bit. Can’t wait to hear his version on what happend to You Twat. I take it you’re goin t’ tell him what’s under his new rose bush? If not please send a cheque for £1,000…allright I’m not greedy…£500 to me n I’ll keep shtum

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