Wheely bin

July 12th 2006

I said to the wife, “The bin men are late today.”

“They’re not coming today.”

“What do you mean they’re not coming?”

“They put a sticker on the wheely bin last week. Staff Training or something.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I put the Pollitt’s dog in there. It should have been landfill by tonight. ”

“How am I supposed to know your going to put the Pollitt’s dog in the Wheely Bin ?”

“What else do you think I’m going to do with it, berry it at bloody sea and give it a 21 gun salute?”

“You’ve all ready given it a 1 gun something but it wasn’t a salute.”

Vera can be quite sharp of wit sometimes.

“Christ all bloody mighty, what am I going to do with it?”

“You’ll have to take it to the Vet’s.”

“The Vet’s? It’s dead you silly Bitch. Not even Rolf Harris and the entire staff of the Animal Hospital with Jesus Christ as back up doing miracles could get You Twat breathing again.”

“They have a pet cemetery. Behind the Vet’s Surgery. Very tasteful I believe. Jane Truscott had her dog berried there, it was £120. Every pet has its own Stone. even goldfish.”

“They charge £120 for berrying a goldfish?”

No, the price depends on the size of the pet. For a fish pet you could probably have a tuna or a few salmon berried for that price. Anyway Jane Truscott said £120 was a bargain.

“Perhaps we should get Jane Truscott to have it berried then because there’s no way I’m forking out £120.”

“Well you can’t leave it in the wheely bin for a week it’ll start smelling soon. Instead of people complaining because it barks they’ll be complaining because it doesn’t bark.”

She was right. I had a dead body on my hands and I had to get rid of it somehow. It was still morning and there weren’t any of the wife’s ‘my’ programmes on the telly until My Countdown at half past three so I watched four episodes of The Sopranos to get disposing of dead body ideas. In one of them Chris and Paulie cut Ralphie into small chunks with a band saw but that method of disposal is a bit too gruesome even for somebody like me who did his National Service as a cook in the Catering Core, and anyway I haven’t got a band saw.

In the end I berried it in Razza’s back garden. There wasn’t enough space in the borders for it so I dug a plot in his lawn and so it didn’t look to much like a grave I planted a rose bush in it. It should do very well next year.

1 Comment

  1. I think Razz’d better stay on holiday for a bit. Can’t wait to hear his version on what happend to You Twat. I take it you’re goin t’ tell him what’s under his new rose bush? If not please send a cheque for £1,000…allright I’m not greedy…£500 to me n I’ll keep shtum

    Comment by Four Dinners — July 12, 2006 @ 3:32 pm

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