The Two Decorator’s Two

July 17th 2006  

The Two Decorator’s weren’t drinking tea when I called in on them to see how my decorating was progressing but they weren’t decorating either, they were stood about laughing.

“Tell it Mr Atkins,” said the fat one with spots.

“Have you heard about the sixty year old woman stripped off naked in the bedroom Mr Atkins?” said the fat one without spots.

“Have you heard the one about the man who strangled Two Bloody Decorator’s because they weren’t getting on with the job every time he called in?” I said.

“No but me first. Anyway she was stood in the bedroom strip bollock naked, her husband was in bed, and she said to him “Look at me George. Look at my poor body. I’m a ruin. Look at my tits. They used to be small and firm and now they’re big and all hanging down. Look at my belly. It used to be flat, now it’s so big when I look down I can’t see my fairy. And look at my bum. It used to be small and pert and now it’s enormous and all flabby and horrible. I’m a wreck. Is there anything you can say to cheer me up, to comfort me?” And her husband said “Yes, there’s fuck all wrong with your eyesight.”

I had to laugh despite myself because it was such a good joke but then I showed them I meant business. “Where were you two yesterday and the day before?” I said sternly.

“Hear of course.”

“No you weren’t, I kept coming to have a look, you never came near the plaice once.”

“Oh, Yesterday and the day before you mean? No, we were at the other job.”

“What other job? You didn’t say anything to me about having another job, you’re supposed to be doing my job.”

“That’s what the bloke at the other job said when we told him we’d been working hear at your job, but you’re both wrong. We always have two jobs running at the same time in case we come across any snags with one of them.”

And do you steel the tea of the man at the other job like you steel my tea?”

“We didn’t steel your tea, we borrowed it, we told you we’d put it all back.”

“And have you put it all back?”

“Well………a guestimate. We weren’t sure how much we’d borrowed.”

“I thought you were marking it down how many you’d had on the skirting board?”

“Yes but we painted over it. In our rush to get the job done on time. We can strip the paint off and find out if you want but that will put the job back and ….”

“No! Forget that. Get that idea right out of your mind right now.”

I knew I’d been conned but I wasn’t about to give these buggers an excuse for not finishing the job on time, it’s going to be hard enough as it is.

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