Month: December 2006

20^th December 2006

 

The best investment advice available today is to be found not in the Financial Times or the financial pages of your daily newspaper but right here on the Razzamatazzblog. And here it is. Get your money into the tarpaulin sheeting and scaffolding business. Any branch of it, either supplying the tarpaulin and scaffolding or erecting the scaffolding and using the tarpaulin to sheet with, but personally I would go for the supply side of things as  sheeting with tarpaulin and erecting scaffolding sounds too much like hard work to me. But whichever you pick do it now and get in before other people cotton on and spoil the market.

The reason for my confidence in the growth potential of this market? Our wonderful policemen. Who have already arrested two men, one yesterday and the other the day before, on suspicion of murdering five prostitutes in the Ipswich area. (You will note that I don’t refer to these women as ‘working girls’, as the media has taken to doing. A secretary is a working girl; likewise a shop assistant or a travel agent, and to call a prostitute a working girl is an insult to every woman who is a working girl in the proper meaning of the expression. There, thank goodness I’ve got that off my chest, as the 36C cup-size women said when she took off the 34 A cup bra).

But getting back to our wonderful boys in blue and their penchant for arresting a man a day and festooning his house with scaffolding and tarpaulin. I have it on good authority that this is only the thin end of the wedge. The plan is to arrest every man in the country, and probably lesbians too, and cover all their house with scaffolding and tarpaulin sheeting. That way they will be sure to have arrested the right man. They won’t know who he is but at least he’ll be safely locked up and won’t be able to murder any more working gi……prostitutes. And of course made a fortune for whoever has taken my advice and has invested in the scaffolding and tarpaulin sheeting business.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

My address is –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

 

19^th December 2006

Below is a copy of a letter I sent to Tony Blair today. I wonder how the slippery one will deal with it. I wonder if he will deal with it?

The Prime Minister

10 Downing Street

London

Dear Prime Minister

Last week I drew from my Derbyshire Building Society account a cheque for £40,000 and paid it into my Barclays current account in order to transfer it to my bank account in Turkey, to facilitate the payment for a property I recently purchased there. I was informed by Barclays that it would take five working days to clear the cheque before the money could be transferred. I pointed out to the bank clerk that God had created the entire heaven and earth in six days and that therefore five days just to clear a cheque seemed an inordinate length of time, particularly as the branch of the Derbyshire Building Society on which I drew the cheque and the branch of Barclays at which I presented it about a minute later are less than fifty yards apart. This cut no ice at all. I didn’t think it would.

I would point out that if Barclays were to invest my  £40,000 in question for five working days (in fact one week since they don’t work Saturdays and Sundays), at a rate of five per cent (and this is the absolute minimum return on the money they would obtain), that they would make a profit on my money of £38.46. When you take in to account that this is just one cheque clearance and that Barclays – and all the other banks – are clearing many millions of cheques per year you might agree with me that this is nothing but larceny, and on a grand scale, and rampant capitalism.

What, if anything, does a good socialist such as you plan to do about this situation?

Yours sincerely

Terry Ravenscroft

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

My address is –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

18^th December 2006 

 

I’m an early riser and on our first morning in Turkey I got up about six and went out for a walk, leaving The Trouble still slumbering in bed, probably dreaming about ways to avoid going to the lavatory during our three day stay.

The resort we stayed in is called Altinkum, on the Aegean Sea, and very nice it is too. It is very clean, there are several sandy beaches and the weather, even for December, was lovely. However the place is being developed on a massive scale and within a half mile radius of the hotel in which we stayed there are literally hundreds of apartment blocks being built, many of them finished and awaiting buyers. (In fact according to my information a high proportion of them have already been bought (Almost all by the British) while still unfinished).

All the apartment blocks are built to a high specification and finished on the exterior in a variety of ways. As I wandered around unmolested but for the ever present dogs you get in Turkey I noticed that while some of them were simply finished in cement rendering painted in a variety of pastel colours the majority were clad in marble tiles. Often the tiles made pictures of things like palm trees and beaches. They were all for the most part quite attractive-looking but the sight of one apartment block brought me to a halt with its bizarre ugliness. Its façade was composed of white and dark blue ceramic tiles in a variety of patterns and looked for all the world liked the inside of a particularly ornate Victorian public lavatory. So I had a piss on it and carried on.

The apartment we bought is something of a bargain. It cost us £44,000 inclusive of all legal fees and is fully furnished. (The accent is on ‘fully’ as it includes just about everything; fridge, freezer, cooker, washing machine, television, toaster, cutlery, table and chairs, three-piece suite, curtains, everything.) The accommodation comprises a large living room with kitchen area, two double bedrooms, a large fully-tiled bathroom with Jacuzzi and shower, and a large terrace. All the rooms are air conditioned. All the floors are marble. There is a swimming pool about ten yards from the terrace. An electric boiler is included for continuous hot water. Satellite TV is included and broadband is on tap for £7 a month. The sandy beach is 200 yards away in a little bay and there’s a frequent free bus service into Altinkum town centre about three miles away. The services of a Turkish belly dancer are available free of charge. A masseuse is available to the man of the household three times a week and will give hand relief for 2 euros, blow jobs for three and further services if required, fee to be negotiated. All right, I’m exaggerating. Only the living room has a marble floor, the bedrooms and bathroom have porcelain tiles. I can’t wait until it’s finished, next October. 

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return. 

 

My address is – 

 

 

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL