16th January 2007While I was out walking yesterday a van passed me. It was white, my least favourite colour of van. Written on the side of it were the words ‘Sid’s Removals. Anytime, Anywhere’. It had disappeared into the distance before I could get Sid’s telephone number but fortunately it was in the local telephone directory. I phone this morning.
SID: Hello.ME: Sid’s Removals?
SID: Yes.ME: Anytime, Anywhere?
SID: Yes.ME: I want you to take an elephant to the Isle of Man for me.
Silence for several seconds.ME: Hello?
SID: Did you say elephant?ME: Yes. To the Isle of Man. You see I have two private zoos, one here and one in Douglas, and I want to transfer the elephant from one zoo to the other. And there’ll be a sabre-toothed tiger to bring back. So I was wondering if you’d be interested? Only Pickfords won’t do it.
More silence.ME: Hello?
SID: You see I only usually do small house removals and stuff.ME: Well an elephant is nowhere near as big as a small house so there shouldn’t be a problem. Even so Psycho is – don’t worry about his name by the way, I think that’s what put Pickfords off, but he’s nowhere near as violent as he was when we christened him – even so Psycho is a pretty large elephant.
More silence.ME: Hello?
SID: I don’t think I can help you.ME: What?
SID: In this instance.ME: In which instance can you help me get my elephant to the Isle of Man then?
SID: Well not in any instance I suppose.ME: You realise you’re in breach of the Trade Descriptions Act, Section 2, subsection 3B do you?
SID: What?ME: ‘Anytime, Anywhere’. That’s what it says on you van.
SID: Yeh but……ME: And you can save the Vicky Pollard impression. I expect you to accept this commission; failing that the next time I see your van I will expect you to have either painted out the false claim ‘Anytime, Anywhere’ or added to it the words ‘Except Elephants To The Isle of Man’. Is that understood?
SID: Silence.ME: I said is that understood?
SID: This is a wind up, isn’t it? ME: Fail to do as I have just instructed you and you will find out if it’s a wind up or not my good man! I put the phone down. In the meantime The Trouble had come in from the kitchen and had been eavesdropping. THE TROUBLE: It’s a pity you’ve nothing better to do.ME: I have. I’ve got two zoos to run, but these people must be put in their place.
Have you seen the stiff brush anywhere, I need it to muck out the llamas?
Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return. You can write to me at –
Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL
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Dear Air 2000
Football Crazy
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Razzamatazz
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.)
This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000….
My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas.
A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road.
I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.
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Psycho the elephant! Poor Sid. Mind you a new sign saying that could be quite eye catching. You might have come up with a way to increase his business. Ask for commision.