Poles Apart

23rd January 2007

Thanks to the influx of Poles in our town recently Atkins Down The Road and I have a new daft game. It’s called Pretending To Be Polish and we played it for the first time today during the half hour journey on the train from New Mills to Manchester. During the off peak hours the trains are emptier than an MP’s promise so as usual we had the whole coach to ourselves.
The game started when the conductor came round shortly after we’d boarded the train. “Tickets please,” the conductor announced cheerily. He didn’t stay cheery for long.
“Warsaw,” I said, taking out my wallet.
“Warsaw. Come back Englands.”
“Return,” said Atkins. “He mean Warsaw return.”
“We don’t go to Warsaw. Manchester, that’s where we go”
“Warsaw,” I repeated, a bit more firmly, taking a fiver from my wallet.
“We don’t go to Warsaw. We only go to Piccadilly.”
“Piccadilly! It’s the terminus.”
Atkins came to the rescue again. He pointed to me. “Pole.” Then he pointed at himself. “Pole.” Then he held up two fingers. “Three Poles. No spik English very gut. No understand.”
“Warsaw,” I said, pushing the fiver into the conductor’s hand.
“For the last time we don’t go to fucking Warsaw,” said the no longer cheery Conductor.
Atkins’s face lit up. “Understand fucking,” he said. “Fucking awful weather. Fucking Scouse bastards.”
“Warsaw,” I said. “No Piccalilli.”

The conductor spelled it out slowly. We…do…not…go…to…Warsaw! Go….Manchester!”
The conductor’s slowly enunciated words obviously made sense to my fellow Pole because Atkins now gave a huge beam. “Go Manchester!” he said. The conductor smiled. Atkins continued. “Go Manchester United! Manchester United go! Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo,Go! Please don’t take out Socks Jar away.”

“Red Navy!” I said.
“Army,” said Atkins.
“Army Navy!” I said.

“Oh bollocks to this,” said the conductor, and went on his way.
It was almost as rewarding  as playing blind men.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They ar e priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy


  1. funny you should mention conductors. just posted a bit about me time bus driving. don’t think I ever had Poles on board though. I’m garnering an ambition to join you n Atkins on a journey. I may nor survive the experience but what a journey!

    Comment by drunk punk — January 24, 2007 @ 5:18 am

  2. Genius, sir.

    Comment by Scaryduck — January 24, 2007 @ 7:49 am

  3. You might wish to test local shops’ compliance to the recent disability laws by pretending to be a mental patient on day release, plus helper. Hours of fun.

    Comment by Scaryduck — January 26, 2007 @ 5:42 am

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