Fat

31st January 2007

I read an article in the newspaper the other day which made the amazing claim that men secretly lust after fat women in preference to women with nice figures. Apparently top of the lust list of these strange people is daytime TV presenter Fern Britton. Fern Britton? I think I’d rather put my dick in a giant pink blancmange. Come to think of shagging Fern Britton would probably be like putting your dick in a giant pink blancmange. Especially if she started wobbling; which she would no doubt do once the shagging commenced.
Personally I don’t believe a word of the claim. It’s probably something that’s been dreamt up by the Fern Britton Fan Club or Friends of Dawn French or the Junk Food Marketing Board or something.
And in an effort to prove my belief, I conducted a poll in the pub last night. Ten men were polled, all men of the world, including such experts in shagging as Atkins Down The Road and the landlord, the latter of whom has been married four times and was once charged with statutory rape, although he was found not guilty on appeal.
The question I put to them was this: ‘Who would you rather shag, Fern Britton or Kristin Scott Thomas?’ Nine men voted for Kristin Scott Thomas, and one man voted for Fern Britton. However on questioning the man who voted for Fern Britton it was revealed that he had never heard of Kristin Scott Thomas and had only plumped (his expression) for Fern Britton in case Kristin Scott Thomas was worse. All nine of us in the Kristin camp quickly put him right on the subject of the delectable Miss Scott Thomas and he changed his vote immediately.
When you add to this overwhelming evidence the fact that although I have frequently heard men in my company say ‘Cor, look at the arse on that’ and ’Cor, look at the tits on that’ I have yet to hear anyone say ‘Cor, look a the fat on that’, 

the case that your average man doesn’t lust after fat women is pretty conclusive.
.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

Published by

Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

One thought on “Fat”

  1. It’s those adverts where they’ve cut her head off, Ken Bigley style, and stuck it on some thinner woman’s body. It’s confusing people.

    In reality, Philip Schofield and the entire camera crew from This Morning all live up her chuff, saving a fortune on the programme’s budget.

Leave a Reply