Dossier

9th February 2007

My eldest grandson has been in trouble with the police. It was a football spectator thing, nothing bad or serious, no one was hurt, it was as much the exuberance of youth as anything.
Part of the dossier the police compiled in bringing a case against him read – ‘He was observed entering a fish and chip shop and five minutes later he was seen leaving carrying a package’. Well there’s a surprise!

I don’t know about anyone else but personally I have never yet entered a fish and chip shop without leaving with a package, usually one containing fish and chips, or sometimes steak pudding and chips, often with mushy peas.
I wonder what the Old Bill suspected might be in the package? Semtex? Crack cocaine? Kiddie porn? Or perhaps it was none of these, perhaps it was something far worse …..

POLICEMAN: Oy! Yes, you Sunshine. What’s in that suspicious-looking package?

SUSPECT: This? Well it’s…..

POLICEMAN: Save the lies. Open it up.
THE SUSPECT OPENS THE PACKAGE
POLICEMAN: Just as I expected – fish and chips!
SUSPECT: Well….yes.
POLICEMAN: And just what do you intend doing with this…. fish and chips?
SUSPECT: Well I had thought I might eat them.
POLICEMAN: Eat them? Get rid of the evidence you mean? Yes, I should think you might, given the chance.
SUSPECT: Evidence? What are you talking about. Evidence against what?
POLICEMAN: Carrying a lethal weapon for starters.
SUSPECT: A lethal weapon?
POLICEMAN: Are you trying to deny that that ten inch long piece of battered haddock wouldn’t cause a fatal injury if you were to bring it down on somebody’s head?
SUSPECT: I’m not going to bring it down on somebody’s head.
POLICEMAN: So you say. Get in the car, you’re nicked.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

3 Comments

  1. my bro in law’s a copper. This story is frighteningly true of todays police force. It was probably my bro in law that stopped him. He’s a dick.

    Comment by Four Dinners — February 9, 2007 @ 6:25 pm

  2. It depends which chip shop he went into. I’ve been in a few where the haddock probably could be used as a lethal weapon.

    Comment by helena — February 10, 2007 @ 5:11 am

  3. just had a ‘sort of’ run in with plod this morning. I ache all over – nowt to do with them exactly I hasten to add. I’m staying in bed for the rest of the day. It’s safer.

    Comment by Four Dinners — February 10, 2007 @ 5:15 am

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