My Funny Valentine

14th February 2007

Every time Valentine’s Day comes around with it comes messages of undying love from couples so besotted with each other that they seemingly don’t mindcalling their partner, and being called by their partner, the most ludicrous names.
A brief look through the columns of just one of the three pages my newspaper devoted to these missives of love revealed all the usual suspects. Honeypots and Honeybuns abounded, as did Sweetpeas and Cheekychops.
Gladiator, Spartacus and Hercules represented both the historical and film worlds. Popeye, Goofy and Cartman the world of cartoons.

The Animal Kingdom fetched up with a Squirrel Nutkins, seven Tigers, two Piggywiggies, a Lion, a Wilderbeast (sic), a Slimy Slug (sick), a Dobbin, a Mr Toad, the twosome of Mr Leghorn & Broodyboos and an Eager Beaver (although as this was a woman it could of course have referred not to an animal but something else). We also had, unfathomably, a Mr Sock, and a Huggy Buggy, The Perminator (must be a hairdresser), a Tubbyblubbyhubby, and
the inspired pairing of Janey Fatbum & Spanker, which sounds to me like a match made in heaven. I’ll draw a veil over the homosexual fraternity, other than to say that they were well represented, and I thought that the partnership of Jimmy Tightbum and Dyna Rod to be almost as well-matched as that of Janey Fatbum and Spanker.
Why do people call each other names like this? More to the point, how can they call each other names like this? And is it only in the privacy of their own love nests, or do they refer to each other in this manner when they’re out, and in company? ‘So that’s a pint of bitter for me, a gin and tonic for Squidgypots, a pint of lager for Toddy Tiddler, a bacardi breezer for Minxy Moo, a scotch for Bunny Wunny Wabbit and a slimline tonic for Fatarse’. It all reminds me of a sketch I once wrote for my radio series Star Terk Two, in the eighties.

 

A NEWSAGENTS SHOP. DAVE WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER WHERE THE NEWSAGENT IS SERVING.

 

DAVE: Could you put me a Valentine’s message in next week’s Advertiser, please?

 

NEWSAGENT: Of course. What would you like to say?

 

DAVE: ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave.

 

NEWSAGENT: (WRITES IT DOWN) ‘To my darling Jennypoos, lots……..

 

DAVE: Jenny.

 

NEWSAGENT: What?

 

DAVE: Just ‘Jenny’, thank you.

 

NEWSAGENT: No ‘poos’?

 

DAVE: No.

 
 

NEWSAGENT: It isn’t any extra.

 

DAVE: I don’t want a ‘poos’, if it’s all the same to you.

 

NEWSAGENT: Right, suit yourself. (HE WRITES IT DOWN) ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Davey Wavey.

 

DAVE: Dave.

 

NEWSAGENT: Dave?

 

DAVE: Yes. And another thing, you don’t spell ‘lots of love’  like that either.

 

NEWSAGENT: You do. (SPELLS IT OUT) L..O..T..Z..A..L..U..V. Lotzaluv.

 

DAVE: Yes well when I went to school it was three separate words, ‘Lots’, ‘of’ and ‘love’. So I’d like it like that, please.

 

NEWSAGENT: Well you’re the one who’s paying for it I suppose. So that’s ‘To my darling Jenny, megasqidgeons of love, Dave.

 

DAVE: ‘Lots’ of love.

 

NEWSAGENTS: ‘Megasquidgeons’ is another way of saying ‘lots’.

 

DAVE: Not on my Valentine’s Day message it isn’t.

 

NEWSAGENT: ‘Oodles of squidgeons of love’?

 

DAVE: ‘Lots of love.’

 

NEWSAGENT: ‘Lots of squidgeons of….?

 

DAVE: Just ‘Lots of love’!

 

NEWSAGENT: Right. ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave…. (UNDER HIS BREATH)…ey diddle dum doos.’

 

DAVE: What?

 

NEWSAGENT: (COVERS IT UP WITH HIS HAND) Nothing.

 

DAVE: What have you written down?

 

NEWSAGENT: What you told me to write down.

 

DAVE REMOVES THE NEWSAGENT’S HAND FROM THE PAPER.

 

DAVE: My name is not Davey diddle dum doos!

 

NEWSAGENT: Oh come on, this is a Valentine’s Day message, people always use silly names for Valentine messages.

 

DAVE: Well I don’t.

 

NEWSAGENT: Oh lighten up will you, it’s only a bit of fun.

 

DAVE: No it isn’t, using silly names is stupid and childish, so I’ll just thank you to put ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave’, if you don’t mind.

 

NEWSAGENT: Very well then, if you insist. (WRITES IT DOWN) ‘To
my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave.’

 

DAVE: Thank you.

 

NEWSAGENT: And your full name and address please?

 

DAVE: Mr Dave Droopydrawers, 22…..

 

THE NEWSAGENT BURST OUT LAUGHING.

 

DAVE: Oh get lost!  

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