My Funny Valentine

14th February 2007

Every time Valentine’s Day comes around with it comes messages of undying love from couples so besotted with each other that they seemingly don’t mindcalling their partner, and being called by their partner, the most ludicrous names.
A brief look through the columns of just one of the three pages my newspaper devoted to these missives of love revealed all the usual suspects. Honeypots and Honeybuns abounded, as did Sweetpeas and Cheekychops.
Gladiator, Spartacus and Hercules represented both the historical and film worlds. Popeye, Goofy and Cartman the world of cartoons.

The Animal Kingdom fetched up with a Squirrel Nutkins, seven Tigers, two Piggywiggies, a Lion, a Wilderbeast (sic), a Slimy Slug (sick), a Dobbin, a Mr Toad, the twosome of Mr Leghorn & Broodyboos and an Eager Beaver (although as this was a woman it could of course have referred not to an animal but something else). We also had, unfathomably, a Mr Sock, and a Huggy Buggy, The Perminator (must be a hairdresser), a Tubbyblubbyhubby, and
the inspired pairing of Janey Fatbum & Spanker, which sounds to me like a match made in heaven. I’ll draw a veil over the homosexual fraternity, other than to say that they were well represented, and I thought that the partnership of Jimmy Tightbum and Dyna Rod to be almost as well-matched as that of Janey Fatbum and Spanker.
Why do people call each other names like this? More to the point, how can they call each other names like this? And is it only in the privacy of their own love nests, or do they refer to each other in this manner when they’re out, and in company? ‘So that’s a pint of bitter for me, a gin and tonic for Squidgypots, a pint of lager for Toddy Tiddler, a bacardi breezer for Minxy Moo, a scotch for Bunny Wunny Wabbit and a slimline tonic for Fatarse’. It all reminds me of a sketch I once wrote for my radio series Star Terk Two, in the eighties.

 

A NEWSAGENTS SHOP. DAVE WALKS UP TO THE COUNTER WHERE THE NEWSAGENT IS SERVING.

 

DAVE: Could you put me a Valentine’s message in next week’s Advertiser, please?

 

NEWSAGENT: Of course. What would you like to say?

 

DAVE: ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave.

 

NEWSAGENT: (WRITES IT DOWN) ‘To my darling Jennypoos, lots……..

 

DAVE: Jenny.

 

NEWSAGENT: What?

 

DAVE: Just ‘Jenny’, thank you.

 

NEWSAGENT: No ‘poos’?

 

DAVE: No.

 
 

NEWSAGENT: It isn’t any extra.

 

DAVE: I don’t want a ‘poos’, if it’s all the same to you.

 

NEWSAGENT: Right, suit yourself. (HE WRITES IT DOWN) ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Davey Wavey.

 

DAVE: Dave.

 

NEWSAGENT: Dave?

 

DAVE: Yes. And another thing, you don’t spell ‘lots of love’  like that either.

 

NEWSAGENT: You do. (SPELLS IT OUT) L..O..T..Z..A..L..U..V. Lotzaluv.

 

DAVE: Yes well when I went to school it was three separate words, ‘Lots’, ‘of’ and ‘love’. So I’d like it like that, please.

 

NEWSAGENT: Well you’re the one who’s paying for it I suppose. So that’s ‘To my darling Jenny, megasqidgeons of love, Dave.

 

DAVE: ‘Lots’ of love.

 

NEWSAGENTS: ‘Megasquidgeons’ is another way of saying ‘lots’.

 

DAVE: Not on my Valentine’s Day message it isn’t.

 

NEWSAGENT: ‘Oodles of squidgeons of love’?

 

DAVE: ‘Lots of love.’

 

NEWSAGENT: ‘Lots of squidgeons of….?

 

DAVE: Just ‘Lots of love’!

 

NEWSAGENT: Right. ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave…. (UNDER HIS BREATH)…ey diddle dum doos.’

 

DAVE: What?

 

NEWSAGENT: (COVERS IT UP WITH HIS HAND) Nothing.

 

DAVE: What have you written down?

 

NEWSAGENT: What you told me to write down.

 

DAVE REMOVES THE NEWSAGENT’S HAND FROM THE PAPER.

 

DAVE: My name is not Davey diddle dum doos!

 

NEWSAGENT: Oh come on, this is a Valentine’s Day message, people always use silly names for Valentine messages.

 

DAVE: Well I don’t.

 

NEWSAGENT: Oh lighten up will you, it’s only a bit of fun.

 

DAVE: No it isn’t, using silly names is stupid and childish, so I’ll just thank you to put ‘To my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave’, if you don’t mind.

 

NEWSAGENT: Very well then, if you insist. (WRITES IT DOWN) ‘To
my darling Jenny, lots of love, Dave.’

 

DAVE: Thank you.

 

NEWSAGENT: And your full name and address please?

 

DAVE: Mr Dave Droopydrawers, 22…..

 

THE NEWSAGENT BURST OUT LAUGHING.

 

DAVE: Oh get lost!  

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

A Royal Occasion

13th February 2007

“And it is quite obvious from his reaction that Prince William is as excited as the next man – the next man in this instance being his younger brother Prince Harry, who is seated next to him. Seated on Wills’s other side is of course his girlfriend, Kate Middleton, who is quite obviously enjoying every minute of this truly royal occasion.”
A few seconds later – “And from the reaction of Wills and Harry it has received full royal approval. Harry now pauses in the celebrations to blow his nose – is this a royal cold coming one wonders? – while pretty Kate looks adoringly at her handsome prince, and, dare we say it, future husband.”
A few seconds later –  “Kate now points out something in the crowd to Wills. What has the vivacious Kate spotted? Perhaps a friend from the university they attended together, St Andrew’s in Scotland? She waves. So does Wills. Harry misses out on the fun as he is still blowing his royal nose.”
In and between this commentary about the Saturday afternoon diversions of a Prince, his girlfriend and his brother we saw a few seconds of the international rugby union game between England and Italy. What were the BBC commentator, director and cameraman up to? Do they honestly think that people who tuned in to watch the rugby international give a shit if Princes William and Harry are in the watching crowd? If television viewers have any thoughts on the subject at all they will almost certainly be along the lines of ‘Look at those two twats on a freebie while I couldn’t get a ticket’ and contribute to them disliking royalty even more than they do already.
Bring on the Republic!  

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

Flog It

11th February 2007

I took the piece of Troika pottery out of the Tesco shopping bag I’d brought it in and passed it over to my favourite Flog It presenter Adam Partridge.
“Ah. Another example of our old friend Troika,” he said.
“Right.”
“Don’t tell me.

You bought it for a few pounds in the seventies while you were on holiday in Cornwall?”
“Right again,” I smiled.
“And now you’ve brought it along to Flog It to cash in on it.”
“Right a third time.”
I wondered what the little vase that I’d paid just four pounds for all those years ago was now worth as Adam expertly gave it the once over. He now looked from the Troika vase to me and said: “It’s worth fuck all.”
No he didn’t. That was me running the worse case scenario through my mind as I sat waiting in the Pavilion Gardens, Buxton, this afternoon. Flog It had come to town and I, along with several other people, had bought along our valuable antiques to be valued, and possibly featured on the show at a later date.
In the early seventies The Trouble and I had a holiday in Cornwall and while we were there we bought three items of Troika, a type of pottery quite inexpensive then, but which has increased greatly in value over the past few years and is now highly sought after. Unfortunately The Trouble broke two of the items in the period between our buying them and us making a fortune with them – she says it was me who broke them, one on a night that I was drunk and one on a night when I wasn’t but acting as though I was, but then she would, wouldn’t she – so we were left with just the one piece, a nice-looking vase about twelve inches high.
In the event I wasn’t lucky enough to get Adam Partridge or another of my favourites, James Lewis – although both were in attendance – I got someone I’d never seen on the programme before, Robert something or other.
“So what have you brought along this afternoon,” said Robert, pleasantly.
I held up the Tesco shopping bag. “This Tesco bag,” I said.
“A Tesco bag?” he said, somewhat bemused.
“Now I suppose you’ll want to know how I came by it, how much I paid for it and how long I’ve had it. Well as far as I can remember I got it at Tesco, I paid exactly nothing for it, would you believe, and I’ve had it for about twelve months. I’ve been using it as a freezer bag to keep out lamb’s liver in.”
“A freezer bag?”
“Yes. It’s in perfect condition though, apart from a bit of staining, no doubt caused by the liver, so I’ve brought it along and I want to flog it.”
Robert looked at me as though I was quite mad. I looked back at him as though I was deadly serious. Then I cracked up. A moment later he joined my laughter.
He said the Troika vase should bring about a hundred and fifty pounds when it’s auctioned off at Matlock in a couple of weeks time. I threw in the Tescos bag  for nothing.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

Dossier

9th February 2007

My eldest grandson has been in trouble with the police. It was a football spectator thing, nothing bad or serious, no one was hurt, it was as much the exuberance of youth as anything.
Part of the dossier the police compiled in bringing a case against him read – ‘He was observed entering a fish and chip shop and five minutes later he was seen leaving carrying a package’. Well there’s a surprise!

I don’t know about anyone else but personally I have never yet entered a fish and chip shop without leaving with a package, usually one containing fish and chips, or sometimes steak pudding and chips, often with mushy peas.
I wonder what the Old Bill suspected might be in the package? Semtex? Crack cocaine? Kiddie porn? Or perhaps it was none of these, perhaps it was something far worse …..

POLICEMAN: Oy! Yes, you Sunshine. What’s in that suspicious-looking package?

SUSPECT: This? Well it’s…..

POLICEMAN: Save the lies. Open it up.
THE SUSPECT OPENS THE PACKAGE
POLICEMAN: Just as I expected – fish and chips!
SUSPECT: Well….yes.
POLICEMAN: And just what do you intend doing with this…. fish and chips?
SUSPECT: Well I had thought I might eat them.
POLICEMAN: Eat them? Get rid of the evidence you mean? Yes, I should think you might, given the chance.
SUSPECT: Evidence? What are you talking about. Evidence against what?
POLICEMAN: Carrying a lethal weapon for starters.
SUSPECT: A lethal weapon?
POLICEMAN: Are you trying to deny that that ten inch long piece of battered haddock wouldn’t cause a fatal injury if you were to bring it down on somebody’s head?
SUSPECT: I’m not going to bring it down on somebody’s head.
POLICEMAN: So you say. Get in the car, you’re nicked.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy

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