Shit Garden Of The Year Two

7th March 2007

Fortunately I’m feeling a lot better today so was able to take in the culmination of Plan B of Shit Garden Of The Year. The plan was put into operation two weeks ago when I phoned the owner of the aforementioned Shit Garden. The call was answered by the title holder’s wife.
“Hello?”
“This is the High Peak Borough Council, Mr Lloyd, Public Affairs and Events speaking,” I lied. “Could I speak to your husband?”
“What for? Only he’s doing his pigeons and he doesn’t like to be disturbed when he’s doing his pigeons.”
“Well whatever he’s doing to this pigeons, legal or otherwise, I can assure you that it will be worth his while to tear himself away from them for a short while.”
“I’ll see what he says.”
“It will probably be ‘Coo’ “ I said, but I think she’d gone. Half a minute later the man of the house came on the line. “What do you want?” This said in a tone more suspicious than a milk bill.
“Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, is visiting the Borough two weeks hence and she has expressed the desire to visit a typical house within the borough. We held a raffle and your house came out of the hat.”
There was silence on the other end of the phone.
“Hello? Are you still there.”
I heard the woman’s voice in the background. “What is it? What’s the matter Gerald?”
“Two fucking princesses are going to visit our house!”
I saw where he had gone wrong and put him right. “No, it’s only one princess. Princess Anne and The Princess Royal are one and the same. And I don’t think she’ll be doing any fucking either, this isn’t Fergie we’re talking about here.”
“No.” A pause, then, “What do we have to do?”
“Not a thing. Her Royal Highness has expressed a wish that you shouldn’t go to any special trouble. I believe it’s usual to offer her a cup of tea. And maybe a cucumber sandwich. ”
“Get a cucumber Deidre.”
“Perhaps she could partake of the refreshment in the garden if the weather is clement?”
“Right, in the garden.”
“Now you’re not to go to any special trouble, Princess Anne wouldn’t like that.”
“No. No special trouble.”
“And keep it to yourself.“
“Right.”
“I’ll confirm the arrangements to you by letter.”
Atkins Down The Road and I went round to the house in question at the appointed hour this afternoon. The garden, of course, was immaculate. The exterior of the house had been cleaned up and newly painted as well. Red, white and blue bunting decorated the façade. It looked a real picture. A small crowd, maybe about a hundred and fifty, many with small union flags, had gathered. The former owner of the Shit Garden of the Year and his wife were waiting, all smiles, at the open doorway, awaiting the arrival of Princess Anne. I don’t know how long they waited for, Atkins and I gave it five minutes then left, happier campers.
 

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.You can write to me at – Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Football Crazy
   

 

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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