Razzamatazz

BUCKINGHAM PALACE. HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN IS WITH THE PRIME MINISTER.

P.M:
Now turning to the field of show business Ma’am, we were thinking Pete Doherty for an O.B.E.

THE QUEEN:
I see. Who is he exactly?

P.M:
I’m afraid I had to ask the same question myself. According to the Minister of Culture he’s a singer.

THE QUEEN:
So the award is for services to music?

P.M:
It is Ma’am, although it could just as easily be the pharmaceutical industry, Ma’am, so the Minister for Culture informs me.

THE QUEEN:
So what exactly has this Pete Doherty person done?

P.M:
Well just about everything, according to the Minister.

THE QUEEN:
I beg your pardon?

P.M: He uses drugs, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
And you want me to award him the O.B.E? Out of the question!

P.M. P.M:
As Your Majesty wishes. However I feel I must point out that in the field of show business if we were to eliminate all those who take drugs from our considerations there would be very few left from which to make our selections

THE QUEEN: I see. Very well then, an O.B.E.

Thank you Ma’am. Staying with singers, we were thinking of making Sir Elton John a baron.

THE QUEEN:
Yes, an excellent choice. I shan’t feel overdressed at the investiture if he’s there. What would he be known as incidentally? Lord John of….?

P.M:
Watford, perhaps? Lord John of Watford. Or some other place he is associated with. It might not matter, someone on the selection committee suggested that whatever title he chooses people will call him Lord of the Rings, although I’ve no idea why. Perhaps he’s a fan of Tolkien?

THE QUEEN:
Probably. And who else are you putting forward from the world of show business?

P.M:
George Michael, Ma’am.We’re suggesting an M.B.E.

THE QUEEN:
George Michael? Isn’t he a homosexual?

P.M:
I believe so.

THE QUEEN:
But I’ve just elevated one of them to the peerage, Prime Minister. I realise that nowadays one is expected to pander to these people but we musn’t get carried away and overcrowd the honours list with them.

P.M: I’m afraid that what I said about the number of show business people who take drugs applies when it comes to their sexual persuasion too, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
Oh very well then. Anyone else on your list? And don’t say Graham Norton or I shall scream.

P.M:
Amy Winehouse, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
We’re awarding an honour to an off licence?

P.M:
We might as well be Ma’am as it’s been reported that she drinks the contents of an off licence daily, but apparently it is the name of a singer,. We’re suggesting the O.B.E.

THE QUEEN:
For services to music?

P.M:
And Rehabilitation Clinics, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
This Winehouse woman supports such clinics?

P.M:
Absolutely pours money into them I’m told, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
Yes then, I approve. Well it can only be a matter of time before Charles’s youngest will be in need of the services of such an establishment so I suppose it’s the least one can do.

PM:
I will pencil her in, Ma’am.

THE QUEEN:
Really, the type of people who are deemed to be worthy of honours in this day and age! Is that the lot then?

P.M:
Just one more, Ma’am. Jonathan Ross.

THE QUEEN:
Oh fuck off.

P.M:
As you wish, Ma’am.