UneasyJet

UneasyJet

 

Flying Has Never Been So Fraught

All airplanes used by uneasyJet have at least six inches less leg space between the seats than all other airlines, for extra discomfort. By holding in you stomach and

clenching your buttocks you can just about squeeze yourself in. However, eating

your inflight meal off the drop down tray on the back of the seat in front should not be a problem, so long as you are a victim of thalidomide. It is advisable to remain in your seat for the entire flight.

This shouldn’t be a problem; a problem would be if

you wanted to leave your seat as due to the cramped conditions your limbs lock

up after a very short while. Apart from that there is is nothing to get up for

as our airplanes don’t have any lavatories.

‘Flying On A Wing And A Prayer’, our inflight magazine and pull out centre page sick bag, can be found in the compartment on the back of Seat B Row 6.

All our stewardesses are guaranteed to be suffering from PMT.

Any uneasyJet passenger wishing the person seated next to them to suck mints noisily and keep sniffing throughout the entire journey should make this clear when making the booking. Otherwise they will get someone next to them who has a squawking baby and keeps farting every few minutes.

The exchange rate when buying our duty free goods in euros is ten euros to the groat.

The inflight entertainment includes ten audio channels offering a diverse range of talk programmes and music to suit all tastes, but whatever channel you tune in to you get James Blunt singing You Are Beautiful.

The inflight movie is Sister Act, both on the outgoing and returning journeys, from now until 2020. If anyone shows signs of enjoying this film they will be slapped, then forcibly restrained for the rest of the flight and handed over to men in white coats upon landing.

Only one item of hand luggage is allowed on board unless you are a dusky- featured person, maybe wearing a turban, in which case two items will be allowed, one of which can be highly suspicious-looking.

Regardless of their destination, all uneasyJet flights fly over Iranian air space to take in the scenery, and touch down in Afghanistan for refuelling.

Bon voyage

Geoff bin Laden

Chief Executive, uneasyJet

Published by

Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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