HJA 437 Scenes 5-9

5.   INT.   THE HORSEFIELD’S LIVING ROOM.   DAY.


GEOFF IS STANDING AT THE WINDOW LOOKING OUT AT HIS PRIZED POSSESSION. ROSE, ARMED WITH A FEATHER DUSTER, COMES IN, SEES WHAT GEOFF IS DOING AND GRIMACES. GEOFF TURNS TO HER.

GEOFF:

Just look at it Rose. Shining like a nail in a black’s arse.

ROSE:

Well it should be all the polishing it’s had.

GEOFF:

Well I wanted to get a good coating of protective wax worked in, it’s done now.

ROSE STARTS DUSTING THE FURNITURE.

ROSE:

I thought you would have been going to work in it.

GEOFF:

You see it’s well protected it from the elements now.

 ROSE:

I said I thought you would have been going to work in it.

GEOFF:

(LOST IN THE CAR) What?

ROSE:

The car. I thought you would have been going to work in it.

GEOFF:

Well I did think of doing. But I’ve always gone on the bus. Anyway it’s only a cock stride, it’s hardly worth getting it out of the garage for.

ROSE:

But the bus stop’s miles away. What about when it rains? You were like a drowned rat when you got home on Wednesday.

GEOFF:

I soon dried off.

ROSE:

Perhaps you could wax yourself?

GEOFF DOESN’T QUITE KNOW HOW TO TAKE THIS SO CONTENTS HIMSELF WITH RAISING AN EYEBROW.

ROSE:

(CONTINUING) I was thinking we could go for a drive out this afternoon.

GEOFF:

This afternoon?

ROSE:

Geoff I haven’t been in the car yet and we’ve had it three weeks.

GEOFF:

Well whose fault is that? I offered to take you out in it.

ROSE:

To Halfords? Why would I want to go to Halfords?

GEOFF:

It was a trip out.

ROSE:

Blackpool is a trip out Geoff. The Derbyshire Dales is a trip out. Looking at beautiful scenery and lambs, not rows and rows of car accessories.

GEOFF:

Anyway the weather’s hardly been fit, has it.

ROSE:

Not here, no, but it could have been fit where we were going to.

GEOFF:

Yes and by the time we’d got there the Zephyr Zodiac would have been all mucked up.

ROSE:

Well you could clean it. You do that anyway.

THEY STAND LOOKING AT EACH OTHER FOR A SECOND OR TWO.

ROSE:

So can we then?

GEOFF:

What’s the weather like?

HE TURNS TO LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW.

GEOFF’S POV. A MUDDYFOOTBALL SMASHES INTO THE CAR.

GEOFF:

What the…….! (HE PUSHES HIS NOSE UP TO THE WINDOW, THE BETTER TO SEE OUT) Bloody kids!

HE MAKES FOR THE DOOR, ROLLING UP HIS SLEEVES.

CUT TO

6.   EXT.   OUTSIDE THE HORSEFIELD’S HOUSE.   DAY.


FOUR BOYS, AGED ABOUT TEN, HAVE BEEN PLAYING FOOTBALL IN THE STREET. THERE IS A MUDDY MARK LEFT BY THE FOOTBALL ON THE BONNET OF THE CAR. AS GEOFF COMES CHARGING OUT OF THE HOUSE ONE OF THE BOYS, GARY, PICKS UP THE FOOTBALL FROM WHERE IT HAS COME TO REST AFTER HITTING THE CAR, AND BOOTS IT BACK TO HIS MATES. HE MAKES TO FOLLOW IT BUT IS STOPPED BY GEOFF’S SHOUT.

GEOFF:

Hey, you! What do you think you’re playing at?

GARY:

What?

GEOFF GRABS HIM BY THE ARM.

GEOFF:

Don’t ‘what’ me. I said what do you think you’re playing at hitting my car with that football? This is a Zephyr Zodiac this. Well?

GARY IS DUMBSTRUCK. GEOFF TAKES HIM BY THE SHOULDERS AND SHAKES HIM.

GEOFF:
Well?

GARY:

We never hit it.

GEOFF:

Never hit it? (DRAGS GARY OVER TO THE MARK ON THE BONNET) What do you think that is, a Scotch Mist?

GARY:

We didn’t mean it Mister, honest.

GEOFF:

Didn’t mean it? You’re bound to hit it playing football in the street aren’t you. Who do you think you are, Bobby Charlton?

GARY:

(POINTS TO ANOTHER OF THE BOYS) No, he’s Bobby Charlton. I’m Denis Law.

GEOFF:

(SEETHES FOR A MOMENT THEN LETS GO OF GARY) Go and play in front of your own bloody house!

GARY:

I am doing, I only live there. (POINTS DOWN THE ROAD A LITTLE)

GEOFF:

Yes but you’re(I> kicking the ball in front ofmy house aren’t you. Where my Zephyr bloody Zodiac is. So clear off!

STEVE: (OOV)

You can’t stop us playing here.

ANOTHER ANGLE. ANOTHER OF THE BOYS, STEVE, KICKS THE BALL TO OF THE OTHER  BOYS.

STEVE:

So there!

GEOFF:

You cheeky…….I’ll show you whether I can stop you or not!

GEOFF ADVANCES ON THE BOYS. GARY JOINS THE OTHER BOYS AND THEY KICK IT TO EACH OTHER TO KEEP IT FRFOM GEOFF. GEOFF HAS SEVERAL TRIES AT GRABBING HOLD OF THE BALL BUT IS UNSUCCESSFUL, MUCH TO THE AMUSEMENT OF THE BOYS. EVENTUALLY HE GRABS IT AND KICKS IT WAY DOWN THE ROAD AS FAR AS HE CAN.

GEOFF:

There! Sod off down there and play with it!

CUT TO

7.   INT.   THE HORSEFIELD’S LIVING ROOM.   DAY.


ROSE IS AT THE WINDOW HAVING FOLLOWED THE CONTRETEMPT. GEOFF OPENS THE DOOR.

GEOFF:

They only hit the Zephyr Zodiac with their football!

ROSE:

So I gathered. Janet was saying that Knowsley Safari Park is….

BUT GEOFF HAS GONE.

ROSE:

Geoff?

SHE STANDS FOR A MOMENT THEN MAKES FOR THE DOOR.

CUT TO

8.   INT.   THE HORSEFIELD’S HALL.   DAY.


ROSE COMES OUT OF THE LIVING ROOM. AS SHE DOES GEOFF COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN CARRYING THE TIN OF WAX POLISH AND A DUSTER. HE GOES OUT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. ROSE WATCHES HIM GO OUT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

.

FADE TO

9.   EXT.  OUTSIDE THE HORSEFIELD’S HOUSE.   DAY. v

GEOFF IS POLISHING OUT THE MUDDY MARK LEFT BY THE FOOTBALL.

WIDEN THE SHOT TO SEE ROSE LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW AT HIM. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD THEN TURNS AWAY.

FADE

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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