Hello there

10th July 2006

Hello there. Atkins Down The Road hear. Or should I say, as I’m living in Razza’s house wile he’s away, Atkins Up The Road. whatever.

What Razza said about my spelling is perfectly true, or at least I think it is, but how would I know for sure if I can’t spell properly? All I want to say about it is that when I was Fourteen I discovered girls and was learning how to shag, and I know which of them I’d rather be good at and it isn’t Spelling. Anyway hasn’t he ever heard of Microsoft Word Spell Check witch I always use to correct all my Spellings?

Razza has left ten meat balls for the Pollitt’s Dog in the frig, one a day, to keep it quiet. I might feed them to the wife one a day to keep HER quiet but I’m certainly not going to be arsed with feeding meat balls to a bloody Dog to keep it quiet. If it starts barking all day wile I’m in residence hear it’s a goner.

I don’t know if I’m going to be able to put up with Razza’s telly for a week. It’s a Widescreen, but not all that wide, nowhere near as wide as ours anyway, and it isn’t a Plasma like ours or even a flat screen. 

when I told him about our Plasma telly when we got it he said what did he want with a Plasma, theirs only shit on the telly, so all it would mean if he had a plasma telly is that he’d be able to see the shit a lot clearer and it was all ready quite clear enough for him thank you very much.

One good thing is he’s got every Episode of The Sopranos on DVD. But they’re all on divettes, I think you call them, and my DVD player won’t play divettes so I haven’t been able to borrow them, so over the next week I’ll be able to play them all on his DVD Player. But on his not very wide screen Non-Plasma shit television set. I’ll definitely have to get our telly up hear, it’ll only take a few minuets.

 

Holiday

July 9th 2006

I shall be on holiday in Lanzarote until the 19th. While I’m away your guest blogger will be my good friend Atkins Down The Road (Atkins is thinking of starting a blog of his own soon and says he wants to gain some experience). I have shown him how to use my text and dialogue templates so the design of the page, if not the content, should be roughly the same).

Although he can be quite uncompromising at times Atkins is as sound as they come, public school educated, Charterhouse, although you would never guess it from his diction. Having said that he is a capable writer, something he proved to me when we recently wrote two one act plays together for the local amateur dramatic society, of which he is a leading light. But a word of warning – although he is computer literate he unfortunately isn’t English language literate, inasmuch as he can’t spell for toffee. In fact I’ll go as far as to say if he was suddenly struck by dyslexia it could only improve his spelling. He also uses capital letters quite indiscriminately and sometimes doesn’t bother with them at all when he should be bothering with them. But you should be able to work out what he means, with a little patience.

I’ve told him I don’t mind him replying to any comments he might receive, but if he does to always sign his replies Atkins Of The Road, so there is no chance of people mistakenly think it’s me. Good luck with him anyway.

Helpful Hints No 2

Things To Do While You’re Waiting To Pee

Men with prostate gland trouble, and there are millions of us throughout the world, sometimes have to wait for ages for their pee to come when they go to the lavatory. Lacking a prostate gland women never have this problem; unless of course they find themselves in need of toilet facilities whilst visiting places like Alton Towers or Chatsworth, where the queues for the Ladies are always about a mile long and they have to wait for ages. It is only when they find themselves together at such places then that man and woman find themselves similarly disadvantaged, the only difference being that women stand outside the toilet waiting to have a pee whilst men stand inside the toilet waiting to have a pee.

Faced with a wait of up to five minutes standing there with your dick pointing at the porcelain waiting for something to happen  every time you need to urinate – and this for upwards of ten times a day – you need to have something to do to pass the time, particularly as you are temporarily incapable of passing anything else. You could just stand there waiting of course, or count how many tiles you have in your bathroom – there are a hundred and eighty four in ours, two of them cracked – but that gets boring after a while. So, and in the interests of helping any fellow sufferers who may be at a loose end – if you’ll pardon the expression – here are a few things I do to while away the time whilst waiting. Please feel free to adopt them.

  1. Do a crossword puzzle. My first job every morning is to cut out the crossword from the Daily Mail (apart from Garfield and Mac about the only decent thing in it nowadays), and prop it on the toilet roll holder in the bathroom. On average I fill in about eight answers per visit to the lavatory so after about four visits I’ve usually
  2. finished it. It can also be used in emergencies if you run out of toilet paper, but then of course it is the devil’s own job filling  in the crossword afterwards.


  3. Do a few simple keep-fit exercises. However don’t do any exercise which involves  rotating the hips from side to side, because if your pee decides to start coming you might find yourself peeing on the bathroom floor, with all the subsequent earache from your wife that peeing on the bathroom floor always entails.
  4. Sing (daytime only). Don’t be embarrassed, people sing in the bath so why
  5. not in the bathroom whilst waiting to pee? I’ve been doing it for years and while my peeing has been getting increasingly poorer my singing has got increasingly better, so much so that the woman next door used to send in requests before she moved.

    Give some point and focus to your singing for added enjoyment. I once sang the first line of twenty seven Frankie Laine songs and it would have been twenty eight if

    the twenty seventh hadn’t been ‘Cool Clear Water’, which set me off peeing.


  6. Make plans for the day. On one waiting to pee occasion I planned to mow the lawn, weed the flowerbed, wash the car, clear out the garage, put up a kitchen shelf and change a light bulb. However I only managed to change the light bulb as I spent most of the day waiting to pee.
  7. Read a book. Be careful in your choice of book though. Over the course of six
  8.  weeks I once read ‘The Exorcist’ whilst waiting to pee, but at times

     it got so exciting I carried on reading it after I’d had a pee; so if

     you don’t want to spend any more time than necessary standing at the lavatory

    select a book that you will be glad to put down after you’ve finished peeing. I recommend something by Jeffrey Archer or Jilly Cooper, or anything by Tolkien. Young boys with prostate trouble should read Harry Potter.

  9. Watch television. The programmes, especially through the daytime, are absolute drivel, but there is something oddly satisfying about watching Trisha, Des & Mel, Loose Women, and Richard & Judy with your dick hanging out.
  10. I would welcome other suggestions.

Wimbledon

July 7th 2006

Yesterday officials stopped a woman tennis fan from taking an Alpro Yoghurt into the Wimbledon Tennis Championships because it might anger the official yoghurt sponsors Haagen-Dazs. Whatever next?

A WOMAN IS STOPPED BY AN OFFICIAL AFTER PASSING THROUGH THE WIMBLEDON TURNSTILES.

OFFICIAL: Can you open your handbag please, Madam?

WOMAN: What for?

OFFICIAL: I have to check you aren’t hiding any unofficial food in there.

WOMAN: I’m not.

OFFICIAL: I’ll be the judge of that. Open up please.

THE WOMAN OPENS HER HANDBAG. THE OFFICIAL PEERS INSIDE.

OFFICIAL: Hah! No unofficial food eh? Then what’s that?

WOMAN: A tampon.

OFFICIAL: Just as I thought. I’m afraid I’m going to have to confiscate it.

WOMAN: But….why?

OFFICIAL: Because our official tampon sponsors are Tampax and that isn’t a Tampax, is it.

WOMAN: You said food. A tampon isn’t food. I’m not going to eat it.

OFFICIAL: You could.

WOMAN: Eat a tampon?

OFFICIAL: If you get a bit peckish and can’t afford the official strawberries and cream you might.

WOMAN: But it’s made of cotton wool. Even if I wanted to eat it it would be far too tough.

OFFICIAL: You could dip it in your official cup of Tetley’s Tea.

WOMAN: All right. Even if I could eat it. Aren’t you forgetting something?.

OFFICIAL: What’s that?

WOMAN: The reason I’m carrying a tampon is because I’m having my period. Later on today I’ll need to use it. And if you confiscate it I won’t be able to do that, will I?

OFFICIAL: No problem, just stick an official Weetabix up.

« Previous Entries   Next Entries »