Razzamatazz

The Hard Life Of A Premiership Footballer

People think the life of a Premiership footballer is cushy but that just isn’t so.

They think that apart from match days we just train every morning and then have the rest of the day off. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. We’re a bit like teachers in that respect. People think that teachers just start work at nine –o-clock in the morning and work till three in the afternoon and that’s it. They forget that teachers have to spend hours and hours doing all the marking and planning the children’s lessons too. Well it’s like that with footballers. People think that apart from training every morning we don’t have any other responsibilities, there isn’t anything else we have to do. They conveniently forget that we have to go shopping every afternoon. In fact most Premiership footballers have to spend more time shopping than they do training. I know I do. And it’s bloody hard work too. You try getting through a hundred grand every week, it isn’t easy. All right, I suppose you could take the easy way out and buy a hundred grand car every week, which wouldn’t take up too much of your time granted, but even if you filled your four car garage then filled up your grounds with cars it wouldn’t be long before you couldn’t move for bleeding cars, I know, I did it.

So buying a hundred grand car every week only lasts for about fifteen weeks. Then you have to think of other things you can spend your money on. We’ve already got a swimming pool, naturally, so I can’t spend anything on a swimming pool. Unless I was to make the one we’ve already got bigger or have another one built for the kids but I can’t do that as we haven’t got any more room because of all the cars. Putting another couple of cars in the swimming pool would get rid of another two hundred grand I suppose but two weeks later you’ve got the same problem, as I learned after I put the first two cars in the swimming pool.

That leaves buying things for the house and clobber. But how many Agas can you have? We’ve got five, six when we’ve had one put on the landing next week, but there just isn’t room for any more and at eight grand a pop that’s only forty eight grand which isn’t even one week’s wage. And we’ve already got wood panelled walls throughout, six chandeliers in every room and more settees than Land of Leather. And how much clobber can you buy? I’m luckier than most because my wife Tracey Michelle can spend for England but even Tracey Michelle finds it hard to get through more than twenty grand a week, but even if she could there’s nowhere to put it because our bedroom, the billiards room, the greenhouse, the potting shed and the gazebo are already full to overflowing with her and my clothes and we can’t put any in the walk-in wardrobe because there’s a car in there.

No, as I say, the life of a Premiership footballer is a lot harder than people think.

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BBC Press Release

Following the success of their Ladette to Lady series the BBC have announced that they are to make a sister show entitled Lady to Ladette. The concept of the show is that six debutantes are transformed over a course of six few weeks from refined young ladies of excellent breeding to drug-taking shag-happy pissed-out-of -their- brains harpies.

Lessons will include drug abuse, alcohol abuse, verbal abuse, self abuse (if necessary), advanced effing and blinding, fighting (including hair pulling, spitting and biting), mooning, screaming at coppers and getting shagged by blokes mostly called Darren.

The pilot episode, already in the can (where a lot of the action takes place, incidentally), is dominated by two of the girls, The Hon Arabella von Hof, youngest daughter of property magnate Baron von Hof, and Henrietta Fforbes-Hyphen, only daughter of socialite Henry Fforbes-Hyphen and his wife Twoeffs Fforbes-Hyphen. In the episode Arabella, on drinking ten Bacardi Breezers, after warming up with six pints of Stella, is shown by programme consultant Denise van Outen how to pull a bloke named Darren, give him a blow job in the gents toilet, and be sick all over him, in no particular order, whilst Henrietta gets her first lessons in becoming a cokehead from guest ladette ex-East Enders star Daniella Westbrook.

By the end of the six planned episodes it is hoped that the six girls will have learned enough for them to be able to forsake their vacuous world of Sloane Square and shopping for a more rewarding life in Nottingham or Newcastle, working by day (or throwing a sickie) and clubbing by night.

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