We were watching TV

April 12th 2006

We were watching TV.

“Ant and Dec can’t hear you when you call them untalented little wankers, you know,” said The Trouble.
 “It wouldn’t make any difference if they could,” I replied. “They’d still be on again next week, proving once again that they are by far the best argument yet for bringing back hanging.”

“I don’t understand you. If you don’t like what’s on the television why don’t you just do something else instead of talking to it?”

“I like talking to the television.”

And I do. It’s become a hobby.

Television: “And now it’s time for EastEnders.”

Me: “Oh no it isn’t.” ZAP!

Television: Now we’re going over Wimbledon for the Tim Henman match.”

Me: “Oh no we’re not!” ZAP!

Television: “Now it’s time to join Davina McCall for the latest news from the Big Brother house.”

Me: “Oh no it fucking isn’t!” ZAP”

Television: “And now Cat Deeley Presents….”


Television: “Graham Norton…”


The Trouble persisted. “It can’t answer back, you know,”

“That doesn’t in any way diminish the pleasure I get from talking to it. Just the opposite. The fact that it can’t answer back makes it all the more pleasurable. It’s about the only thing that doesn’t answer back nowadays; kids, shop assistants,  wives….”

“Oh so wives aren’t allowed to answer back now…….?
I point the remote at her. “Zap!”

I’ll have to pay for it of course.