Desert Island Dicks

April 25th 2006

Following my post on homosexuals the other day Paul Quayle of Brentford has e-mailed me, accusing me of being a homophobe. I’m not, it’s just that I can’t see the attraction of anal copulation. Nor indeed can I imagine how such a ridiculous notion was ever contemplated. It can only have been conceived out of desperation, probably by a man cast away with another man on an uninhabited desert island, somewhere in the Pacific Ocean……..

FIRST MAN: (INCREDULOUS) Can you do what?

SECOND MAN: Put my dick up your bottom?

FIRST MAN: You’re joking of course?


FIRST MAN: You really want to put your dick up my bottom?



SECOND MAN: Well I’m feeling randy and, in the absence of any women, I thought…..

FIRST MAN: You thought what?

SECOND MAN: Well I thought that your anus would make a very good substitute vagina.

FIRST MAN: A good substitute vagina? There’s shit up there.

SECOND MAN: I don’t mind.

FIRST MAN: I mind. Any shit up there is meant to come down not be poked farther up. Jesus, the nerve of you!

SECOND MAN: Please. You can do it to me afterwards.

FIRST MAN: What? What would I want with my dick all covered in shit?

SECOND MAN: Well if that’s all that’s bothering you you’ll be able to wash it off after. There’s the whole of the Pacific Ocean to wash it off in. It would only be like washing off sperm and vaginal juices after having sex with a woman.

FIRST MAN: Sperm and vaginal juices don’t smell like shit.

SECOND MAN: You could hold your nose.

FIRST MAN: Look, life may be a little boring right now but I can still find better things to do with my time than stand here washing my dick in the Pacific Ocean with one hand while I’m holding my nose with the other.

SECOND MAN: You might like it.

FIRST MAN: I might like washing my dick in the….?

SECOND MAN: No. Having my dick up your bottom.

FIRST MAN: I might enjoy shitting glass. Come to think of it it might be very similar to shitting glass.

SECOND MAN: Oh I’m sure it wouldn’t. Please?


SECOND MAN: Why not?

FIRST MAN: Because it will hurt.

SECOND MAN: No it won’t, I’ve only got a small dick.

FIRST MAN: Small dick my arse!

SECOND MAN: Ooh I thought you’d never ask!