April 26th 2006Despite earning my living as a comedy scriptwriter for a large part of my working life I canâ€™t write jokes for the life of me. By jokes I mean stories that typically begin â€˜There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsmanâ€¦.â€™ An example â€“ A blind man walked into a pub, picked up his guide dog by its lead and swung it round his head a few times. The landlord was outraged. He said â€˜â€Why did you do that?â€ The blind man said:â€ Well I only came in for a look round.â€Â That sort of thing.
I canâ€™t do it, I only with I could.
My humour, such as it is, depends on character and situation, and owes much to observation. I can also do one-liners, such as â€˜My wife was in labour for over two days before the doctors realised she still had her tights onâ€™, lines like that.There are very rare exceptions to this general rule, when I do manage to come up with a joke, usually by accident. One such happened this morning. It isnâ€™t a very good joke, so donâ€™t hold your breath. Here goes then –
A man went to see the doctor. He said: â€œI feel terrible doctor. Iâ€™ve got a headache, my nose is stuffy, Iâ€™ve got an upset stomach and Iâ€™m running a temperature. And as well as that Iâ€™ve got this constant sound in my head, like a chanting sound, going â€˜Roundâ€¦roundâ€¦roundâ€¦roundâ€¦. What do you think it is?â€™ The doctor said: â€œItâ€™s a bug thatâ€™s going round.â€ Thatâ€™s it. I warned you it wasnâ€™t very good, didnâ€™t I. However I did once come up with a really good joke when I was writing my novel A Good Walk Spoiled. If you like you can read it on this page –http://www.razza.fsnet.co.uk/agoodwalkspoiled/agws1040100.htm Â You are invited to rate both my jokes on a scale of 1 to 10. I would award the first one a dodgy 4 and the second a solid 8.Â But then Iâ€™m biased.