May 17th 2006
All the Pollitts went out early this morning; Wayne Pollitt and his wife Liz presumably to viagra online canada pharmacy work, their children Keanu and Catherine Zeta to school, or more likely to hang about the local shopping arcade dealing drugs, and the baby Nectarine probably to a childminder, or possibly a kennels, which would be more fitting. It would certainly be more fitting if their dog You Twat had been placed in kennels instead of being left out in the garden to howl and bark like a demented Dervish all day.
Some years ago Atkins Down The Road had a problem with a neighbourâ€™s dog barking all day. As I told it the Environmental Health people eventually sorted it out, but not until Atkins and Mrs Atkins Down The Road had been subjected to weeks of barking, howling every time the dogâ€™s owners went out of the house leaving it home alone. Atkins said it turned his wife into a nervous wreck, although having to put up with Atkinsâ€™ peccadilloes she was already halfway to being a nervous wreck in the first place in my opinion.
Iâ€™ve certainly no intention of putting up with You Twatâ€™s sundry canine noises for a moment longer than necessary and intend to get the Environmental Health people onto the case as soon as possible, but what to do about it in the meantime? Perhaps if I were to sneak up on it and cut off its dreadlocks with a sharp knife it would quieten it down a bit, rather like Delilah quietened Samson down when she cut off his hair? A nice thought, but improbable. Far better to cut off its bollocks with a sharp knife (as Atkins Down The Road attempted to do before the dog got its retaliation in first and bit a chunk out of his leg); thereâ€™d be more and louder howling initially but it wouldnâ€™t last for long.
In the end I decided to reason with the Pollitts, so when they had all returned to their lair that evening I called round.
Pollitt answered the door, a picture of surliness. â€œYes?â€
â€œIâ€™m Terry Ravenscroft, your next-door-but-one neighbour. Itâ€™s about your dog.â€
â€œWhat about it?â€
â€œIt barks and howls all day long.â€
He cocked an ear. â€œI canâ€™t hear anything.â€
â€œThat could be because it isnâ€™t barking and howling now. It only barks when youâ€™re all out.â€œ
â€œNobody else has complained.â€
â€œThatâ€™s because everyone else goes to work during the day. They wouldnâ€™t be able to hear it while theyâ€™re a work. Unless theyâ€™re unfortunate enough to work within five miles of your back garden.â€œ
â€œAnyway Iâ€™d like you to put a stop to it.â€
â€œAnd how do you suggest I do that?â€
â€œâ€Well one way would be to keep it in the house, not out in the back garden.â€œ
â€œIt shits in the house if we do that.â€
â€œWell train it to shit somewhere else.â€
â€œWe have, weâ€™ve trained it to shit in the back garden.â€
â€œBut if you leave it in the back garden it barks and howls all day. Probably because itâ€™s up the arse in shit. But whatever the reason itâ€™s not good enough and I want you to put a stop to it.â€
â€œTell him to fuck of and mind his own fucking business, Dad.â€ Catherine Zeta had joined her father. She continued, lest her father hadnâ€™t heard her. â€œFuck off and mind your own fucking business.â€
â€œYou heard the little lady,â€ said Pollitt, and closed he door in my face.