May 20th 2006

I sat down in the black leather chair and made myself comfortable.

John Humphreys: “And your name?”

Me: “Terry Ravenscroft.”

JH: “And your specialist subject?”

Me: “Two minutes on Kristin Scott Thomas.”

JH: “Your time starts… How long is it since you first fancied two minutes on Kristin Scott Thomas?”

Me: “Ever since I first set eyes on her.”

JH: “Wrong. When you first set eyes on Kristin Scott Thomas you fancied a night with her. It is only now you are nearing your seventies that you have modified your ambitions to a more realistic two minutes. How many times have you seen the film The English Patient?”

Me: “Twenty seven.”

JH: “Wrong. The right answer is ‘Too many times for your own good’. When you saw Kristin Scott Thomas naked in The English Patient what did you say to yourself?”

Me: “What a simply delightful, nubile body that young woman has.”

JH: “Wrong, you said ‘Christ, look at the beaver on that!’  And how often, when viewing that part of the film on video, have you used the freeze frame or slow motion facility?”

Me: “ Er….well, every time.”

JH: “Wrong, the answer is every time but one; the only occasion you didn’t use either the freeze frame or slow motion facility being when your wife The Trouble unexpectedly came  into the room and you quickly changed channels before she saw you were watching it yet again. Given that you were granted two minutes on Kristin Scott Thomas and while you were halfway through your two minutes she asked you to…


…I’ve started so I’ll finish – she asked you to stop, what would be your reply?”

Me: “I’ve started so I’ll finish.”

JH: “Wrong. You would say ‘Thank Christ for that, two minutes of this and I’d have a heart attack’. And at the end of your two minutes on Kristin Scott Thomas Mr Ravenscroft you have failed to score, which would probably be the case if you we were ever given the opportunity of having two minutes on Kristin Scott Thomas.