Dad’s Solution

May 23rd 2006

Whilst wondering what, if anything, I could realistically do about the problem with the Pollitt’s dog until such time as the Environmental Health people get off their arses and sort it out I happened to recall how my dad had once dealt with a similar situation, when I was a boy.

At the time my dad, from whom I inherited my sense of fun as well as my nickname, was working the 10 till 6 nights stint of a three shift system, and slept during the day. That is he would have slept during the day if next-door’s dog Jock hadn’t chosen, on occasions, to bark for most of the day. Dad had tried sleeping tablets with only limited success – it would have taken more than sleeping pills to render him immune from Jock’s worst excesses, maybe several blows to the head with a lump hammer – so decided to try them on the dog to see if that avenue would be more successful than when taking them himself.

As I remember it my dad crushed up six of the sleeping pills and mixed them with a couple of ounces of minced beef, rolled it up into a ball and tossed it over the garden fence.  Very soon the barking had stopped, after becoming progressively half-hearted for ten minutes or so and ending with a feeble, plaintive howl.

Jock not only slept all day but all the next day as well. On the second day his owners became so worried about their pooch they took him to the vet who pronounced, so we learned later, that ‘it must have eaten something’. Jock subsequently ate the something it must have eaten several more times, in fact every time it insisted on barking when my dad was on nights. Even when it had finally come round it was dopey all day, and I will never forget the sight of it dragging itself up our road (dogs were let out on their own much more in those days), bloodshot eyed, managing to keep itself from falling over only by leaning on the wooden fence that bordered our row. After every two houses there was a gate in the fence and if it was open or not properly closed Jock duly fell through the opening and had to pick himself up before continuing his journey home. Hilarious.

If You Twat persists with the barking and howling he is definitely going to get the same treatment.