May 24th 2006

The distance from the nearest point of our back garden to the clothes-line post to which You Twat is tethered is a distance of 26 yards (I have paced out on the road the distance from the end of my house to the middle of the Pollitt’s house to arrive at this figure, so it is reasonably accurate). I estimate that the chain by which You Twat is hitched to the clothes-line post to be eight feet. This means that I will have to throw an eight ounce minced beef and crushed sleeping pill ball a distance of 26 yards and land it in a sixteen feet diameter circle. A piece of cake. Or rather a piece of minced beef and crushed sleeping pill.

However I wanted to be certain; the last thing I want is to spend half the day tossing spiked meatballs into the Pollitt’s garden on the off chance that one will land within eating distance of You Twat. For one thing it could be expensive, for another messy. So after wrapping a golf ball in several yards of masking tape until it weighed exactly eight ounces and was about the same size as my proposed sleep-inducing meatball I repaired to the park to put in a spot of practice.

It was around 10.30 when I arrived and I half expected to see Mr Jeffs, Mr Barnaby and Mr Ross practising throwing the walking frame, but there was no sign of them. Perhaps they didn’t get the lottery grant they put in for and had become disheartened?

I painted a sixteen feet diameter circle on the grass and practised for a good two hours, by which time I had become quite proficient, and could land the projectile somewhere within the limits of the circle nine times out of ten. When the time comes I will make two meatballs in case the first I despatch turns out to be the one in ten that misses the target.

Somebody asked me what I was doing of course. Well our park is well used and naturally some of the people who frequent it are of an inquisitive nature. “Tossing the Truss,” I replied, “Paralympic Games 2012.” Fortunately he didn’t ask me for a go, he just said “Whatever will they dream up next?” and went on his way, shaking his head.