My Breasts And I

May 25th 2006
The Sunday Times TV listings tell me that on BBC 3 tonight there is a programme called My Breasts and I. I thought at first it might be a new situation comedy about the Breast Family, Joanne Breast, her thick husband George Breast, and their children Jason and Samantha Breast, who keep coming through doors and grinning like loonies, sort of like My Family but with laughs, but no, apparently it is a documentary about female breasts.
The Sunday Times writes of it – ‘More than you could possibly want to know about how the former Atomic Kitten Jenny Frost feels about her bosoms (‘Two tea bags after they’ve been dunked’, is how she sums them up). Plus how lots of other women (among them Joan Collins) feel about them, and a bra-fitting from the Queen’s corsetiere (though not, as you might guess, with the Queen)’.
I don’t know about you but a glimpse of the Queen’s tits is not high on my list of things I am aching to see, so the news that we won’t be seeing the royal nipples isn’t all that much of a disappointment. Having said that there is no reason to suppose that Elizabeth Regina’s knockers might be, like Atomic Kitten Jenny Frost’s, like two tea bags. On the contrary there is every reason to suppose that the Queen’s breasts will be firm and pert, their nipples pointing outwards rather than at her feet; after all, her hairstyle hasn’t altered since she was an eighteen-year-old, nor anything else about her, so why should her tits have changed? Her hair has changed colour of course, from brown to grey, so maybe she has grey tits now, or tits with grey hair on them, but I’d wager quite a bit that they’re still the same shape.
 I should of course know for a fact if the Queen’s bosoms are the same shape, God knows there have been enough pictures of her in the newspapers and on television over the years to form an opinion, but ever since I was old enough to think for myself every time I’ve recognised a picture of the Queen in the newspapers I’ve moved quickly on to something less boring, without taking the trouble to examine the latest state of her breasts.
There is still an Atomic Kitten’s tea bag tits to look forward to seeing though, in addition to those of Joan Collins, whose tits by now must also look like two tea bags, or if they don’t it’s only be because she’s had them pumped full of silicone.
Thank Christ I haven’t got digital television and won’t have to watch it.