Good News

June 2nd 2006

I have good news and even better news. The good news is that the Pollitt’s dog has come out of its coma. Whether this had anything to with Wayne Pollitt or any of his clan singing ‘How Much Is that Doggy In The Window’ or ‘Old Shep’ into its earhole isn’t clear, but probably not. More likely it was one of the other methods the Pollitts employ to stir it into action, such as kicking it or tickling its bollocks, which brought it back into the land of the living.

People might be surprised to learn that I consider You Twat’s return to consciousness as good news, but although an intolerant man when it comes to dog barking I am not an evil or vindictive person, and certainly didn’t want the dog to die. Granted I could have done with it staying in a coma for a little longer – about five years would have been nice – but then I’m only human.

The even better news is that You Twat has spent all day in the back garden, with all the Pollitts out of the house, and hasn’t barked once. Perhaps, after its traumatic experience, it is simply taking time to build up its energies before returning to full barking and howling mode, but perhaps not. Perhaps, due to its enforced sleep, something has happened to it psychologically, and it now feels it can get by without having to bark and howl its fool head off all day.

I couldn’t even induce it to bark. I lobbed several small rocks and half a red brick at it and although they didn’t hit it some of them landed very close, but if it noticed them it didn’t give any indication that it had, and made not so much as a murmur.

While I was doing this Atkins Down The Road called round – he still has a bee in his bonnet about his inflatable rubber woman car passenger idea – and when I’d explained to him what I was trying to achieve he offered to return home and get his air rifle to see if a couple of slugs in You Twat’s arse would get it barking again. I thanked him for the offer but told him that two slugs up the dog’s arse would almost certainly not only get him barking again but keep him barking for a very long time, and that was the last thing I wanted. Atkins then said that if this happened he also had a .22 amongst his arsenal of weapons and could quickly and humanely put the dog out of its misery. I thanked him and put this solution to the problem on the back burner.

So all in all, and although it’s still early days, the signs are looking excellent. I just  hope it isn’t the proverbial lull before the storm.