June 9th 2006
“Can I take your dog for a walk?â€
Liz Pollitt looked me up and down. “What you say?â€
“I’d like to take You Twat….your dog for a walk, if that’s possible?â€
“Are you fuckin’ mental or somefink?â€
“Look I really would like to take your dog out for a walk.â€
“An’ I’d like to be Liz ‘urley, so fuck off.â€
I gritted my teeth. This was proving to be harder than I’d expected. “Please? Please let me take your dog for a walk.â€
“Why?â€
“In the hope that it will stop barking.â€
“It’s not barkin’.â€
“Not at the moment, no, but when you and your family are out of the house it does nothing else. Except for when it’s howling. I think if it’s taken for a regular walk it won’t bark and howl so much.â€
“The twat can bark an ‘owl all it wants for all I care. S’ free country innit.â€
I was getting nowhere fast. An incentive was called for. “I’m willing to pay of course.â€
“Pay?â€
“A fiver.â€
She looked me up and down, as suspicious as a milk bill. “Why would a geezah pay somebody to take their dog for a walk?â€
I feigned surprise. “Well for the sheer pleasure of it of course. Surely you’ve heard of a dog walking service? Whereby people pay dog owners to take their dog for a walk?
Her brow creased as her underemployed brain wrestled with this concept. “I fought it was like the dog owners what paid to ‘ave their dogs walked?â€
“No, it’s the other way round.â€
She didn’t need any more persuading. “Five pahnds you said?â€
I took out my wallet. “You’d better introduce us.â€
You Twat started barking as soon as he saw me but I’m not bad with dogs and I soon made friends with him; or perhaps he quietened down because he was fearful I’d slip him another spiked meatball.
“Right, I’ll take him out tomorrow morning when you’re all out. Where’s his lead?â€
“It hasn’t got one.†She thought for a moment. “I can problee find a lengf of rope somewhere.â€
You Twat on the end of a lengf of rope might prove to be too tempting and we might never make it out of the back garden, so I declined. “No problem,†I said. “I’ll buy him one.â€