Walking The Dog

June 9th 2006

“Can I take your dog for a walk?”

Liz Pollitt looked me up and down. “What you say?”

“I’d like to take You Twat….your dog for a walk, if that’s possible?”

“Are you fuckin’ mental or somefink?”

“Look I really would like to take your dog out for a walk.”

“An’ I’d like to be Liz ‘urley, so fuck off.”

I gritted my teeth. This was proving to be harder than I’d expected. “Please? Please let me take your dog for a walk.”


“In the hope that it will stop barking.”

“It’s not barkin’.”

“Not at the moment, no, but when you and your family are out of the house it does nothing else. Except for when it’s howling. I think if it’s taken for a regular walk it won’t bark and howl so much.”

“The twat can bark an ‘owl all it wants for all I care. S’ free country innit.”

I was getting nowhere fast. An incentive was called for. “I’m willing to pay of course.”


“A fiver.”

She looked me up and down, as suspicious as a milk bill. “Why would a geezah pay somebody to take their dog for a walk?”

I feigned surprise. “Well for the sheer pleasure of it of course. Surely you’ve heard of a dog walking service? Whereby people pay dog owners to take their dog for a walk?

Her brow creased as her underemployed brain wrestled with this concept. “I fought it was like the dog owners what paid to ‘ave their dogs walked?”

“No, it’s the other way round.”

She didn’t need any more persuading. “Five pahnds you said?”

I took out my wallet. “You’d better introduce us.”

You Twat started barking as soon as he saw me but I’m not bad with dogs and I soon made friends with him; or perhaps he quietened down because he was fearful I’d slip him another spiked meatball.

“Right, I’ll take him out tomorrow morning when you’re all out. Where’s his lead?”

“It hasn’t got one.” She thought for a moment. “I can problee find a lengf of rope somewhere.”

You Twat on the end of a lengf of rope might prove to be too tempting and we might never make it out of the back garden, so I declined. “No problem,” I said. “I’ll buy him one.”