Helpful Hints No 1

How To Deal With Jehovah’s Witnesses

July 1st 2006

Surprisingly I had a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses call on me today. I say surprisingly because I haven’t had the displeasure of their company for quite some time now (Incidentally I have never had one Jehovah’s Witness come knocking on my door, they always seem to go around in pairs or small groups – jackals, rather fittingly, hunt in a similar manner).

It isn’t that this particular branch of God’s word-spreaders isn’t active in my area, far from it, they are positively thriving; it’s just that I am no longer on their list of souls to be saved. This is because about four years ago, thoroughly fed up with their regular visits, I decided to put paid to their calls once and for all.

I chose to fight them on my own territory, their territory of course being the front doorstep, and invited them in. I knew I had made the right decision the moment they crossed my threshold, because leaving the familiarity of the front doorstep seemed to unnerve them, probably because it was the first time they had ever been invited into someone’s home. Having got them off their territory and onto mine I put my campaign into action. First I asked them to sit down on the settee and make themselves comfortable. This they did. Then I took off my trousers, stuck my right finger up my left nostril as far as it would go and stood on one leg. They looked at me, then at each other, exchanged worried frowns, then looked at me again.

Probably more worried frowns were exchanged but I don’t know for sure because at that point I enhanced my odd behaviour by tilting my head back as far as it would go and started gargling. After a few nervous coughs one of them spoke. “Are you all right?” Then I made a mistake. I said: “Yes thank you.” This was all the invitation she needed to launch into her spiel about the second coming of Christ and what I had to do if I was to give myself any chance of salvation and God knows what other rubbish they go on about.

Now having your ear bent for almost an hour by two Jehovah’s Witnesses whilst stood at your front door is one thing, but having the Scriptures quoted to you chapter and verse for almost an hour while you’re stood on one leg gargling with your finger thrust up your nose is another. A shiver still runs up my back whenever I recall the experience.  

However it turned out to be well worth it because I was never troubled by them again. Obviously they had put me down as some sort of nutter – the feeling is mutual – and told their fellow Jehovah’s Witnesses to give me a wide berth. Which they did, until today that is, when two more turned up. I can only assume they were newly converted and hadn’t been told about me. Anyway I invited them in and went through exactly the same procedure. And so did they, except that they gave me about five minutes stood on one leg gargling with my finger up my nose before enquiring whether I was all right. This time I kept my mouth firmly closed. And five minutes later they just got up and left, never, I am sure, to return.

I can’t recommend this method of ridding yourself of these pests highly enough and invite any of you out there in the wide world who are similarly troubled to use it. Don’t forget the gargling bit, which really unnerves them.