Helpful Hints No 2

Things To Do While You’re Waiting To Pee

Men with prostate gland trouble, and there are millions of us throughout the world, sometimes have to wait for ages for their pee to come when they go to the lavatory. Lacking a prostate gland women never have this problem; unless of course they find themselves in need of toilet facilities whilst visiting places like Alton Towers or Chatsworth, where the queues for the Ladies are always about a mile long and they have to wait for ages. It is only when they find themselves together at such places then that man and woman find themselves similarly disadvantaged, the only difference being that women stand outside the toilet waiting to have a pee whilst men stand inside the toilet waiting to have a pee.

Faced with a wait of up to five minutes standing there with your dick pointing at the porcelain waiting for something to happen  every time you need to urinate – and this for upwards of ten times a day – you need to have something to do to pass the time, particularly as you are temporarily incapable of passing anything else. You could just stand there waiting of course, or count how many tiles you have in your bathroom – there are a hundred and eighty four in ours, two of them cracked – but that gets boring after a while. So, and in the interests of helping any fellow sufferers who may be at a loose end – if you’ll pardon the expression – here are a few things I do to while away the time whilst waiting. Please feel free to adopt them.

  1. Do a crossword puzzle. My first job every morning is to cut out the crossword from the Daily Mail (apart from Garfield and Mac about the only decent thing in it nowadays), and prop it on the toilet roll holder in the bathroom. On average I fill in about eight answers per visit to the lavatory so after about four visits I’ve usually
  2. finished it. It can also be used in emergencies if you run out of toilet paper, but then of course it is the devil’s own job filling  in the crossword afterwards.

  3. Do a few simple keep-fit exercises. However don’t do any exercise which involves  rotating the hips from side to side, because if your pee decides to start coming you might find yourself peeing on the bathroom floor, with all the subsequent earache from your wife that peeing on the bathroom floor always entails.
  4. Sing (daytime only). Don’t be embarrassed, people sing in the bath so why
  5. not in the bathroom whilst waiting to pee? I’ve been doing it for years and while my peeing has been getting increasingly poorer my singing has got increasingly better, so much so that the woman next door used to send in requests before she moved.

    Give some point and focus to your singing for added enjoyment. I once sang the first line of twenty seven Frankie Laine songs and it would have been twenty eight if

    the twenty seventh hadn’t been ‘Cool Clear Water’, which set me off peeing.

  6. Make plans for the day. On one waiting to pee occasion I planned to mow the lawn, weed the flowerbed, wash the car, clear out the garage, put up a kitchen shelf and change a light bulb. However I only managed to change the light bulb as I spent most of the day waiting to pee.
  7. Read a book. Be careful in your choice of book though. Over the course of six
  8.  weeks I once read ‘The Exorcist’ whilst waiting to pee, but at times

     it got so exciting I carried on reading it after I’d had a pee; so if

     you don’t want to spend any more time than necessary standing at the lavatory

    select a book that you will be glad to put down after you’ve finished peeing. I recommend something by Jeffrey Archer or Jilly Cooper, or anything by Tolkien. Young boys with prostate trouble should read Harry Potter.

  9. Watch television. The programmes, especially through the daytime, are absolute drivel, but there is something oddly satisfying about watching Trisha, Des & Mel, Loose Women, and Richard & Judy with your dick hanging out.
  10. I would welcome other suggestions.