Moving the telly

July 11th 2006

Women are good for a lot of things, cooking and doing the housework are two of them and when they’re on their back is another, but one thing they are definitely not good at is helping there husband to carry there wide screen Plasma Television set a few yards up the road.

We only live six doors down the road from Razza’s house. About seventy yards at a guess. How long did it take us to get our telly from our house to there’s? one hour and forty bloody minuets.

“We’ll have to put it down for a minuet,” she said.


“I’ll have to have a rest.”

“We’ve only carried it five bloody yards.”

“I said I’ll have to have a rest!”

The problem is women aren’t built for carrying things. Except babies, and only then because men have put them in the right plaice so that the weight is evenly distributed.

They especially aren’t good at carrying bulky things like television sets. there tits get in the way.

I’ve always been a tit man, as opposed to a leg man. Even before I was a man, when I was a boy, I was a tit man. So when I got married naturally I married a girl with bit tits. And if anything the wife’s tits are even bigger now than when I married her. But not the same shape unfortunately.

Anyway because of there tits they have to hold whatever they’re carrying away from there body so they don’t bruise there tits or knock there nipples when they’re carrying it and this has the affect of making what they’re carrying a lot heavier. You try it. Pick up something heavy like a bucket of water then try holding it out in front of you as if you had a big pair of tits and see what happens, it weighs a ton.

Anyway I wasn’t about to call in Pickfords to move the telly from our house to Razza’s so I was saddled with the wife. Which is why it took an hour and forty minuets.

After we’d put the telly down for a rest the second time, about five yards after we’d put it down for a rest the first time, one of the wives friends past by. Well she didn’t pass by, it would have been all right if the cow had past by, but she stopped.

“Hello Vera,” she said.

“Hello Fiona,” said the wife.

“The whether doesn’t know what to do does it.”

“Well the whether man gave showers for later but you know what they’re like.”

“What are you doing?”

“Were just moving our Plasma telly to the Ravenscrofts, they only have an ordinary one and we’ve got used too Plasma now.

“Oh we wouldn’t like to be without our Plasma now we’ve got it, me and Brett.”

“Nor us.”

“You’re staying at the Ravenscrofts wile they’re on holiday I believe?”

“Well we are if we ever get the bloody telly their,” I said.

Ten minuets later, after I’d been well and truly bollocked by the wife and all the merits of Plasma tellies and a few other important issues had been discussed, we set off again. Five yards later we stopped for another rest. We were just about to pick the telly up and carry on for another five yards when one of the showers the whether man had given for later started up, because by this time what with all the wives pissing about it was bloody later.

We were still a lot nearer to our house than to Razza’s so we went back. On the way there the wife called for a rest but I wasn’t having any, the last thing I wanted was rainwater in our telly and I made her go all the way back non-stop.

Three-quarters of an hour later when the rain had stopped we set off again. Same storey. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Gossip for ten bleeding minuets with Mrs Christ knows who. Start. Stop.

Anyway we got there eventually. But it’ll be well worth it once I’m re-acquainted with Tony and Christopher and Uncle Junior and Paulie Walnuts and Sil and all the boys, I’m sure.