July 12th 2006
I said to the wife, â€œThe bin men are late today.â€
â€œTheyâ€™re not coming today.â€
â€œWhat do you mean theyâ€™re not coming?â€
â€œThey put a sticker on the wheely bin last week. Staff Training or something.â€
â€œWhy didnâ€™t you tell me? I put the Pollittâ€™s dog in there. It should have been landfill by tonight. â€
â€œHow am I supposed to know your going to put the Pollittâ€™s dog in the Wheely Bin ?â€
â€œWhat else do you think Iâ€™m going to do with it, berry it at bloody sea and give it a 21 gun salute?â€
â€œYouâ€™ve all ready given it a 1 gun something but it wasnâ€™t a salute.â€
Vera can be quite sharp of wit sometimes.
â€œChrist all bloody mighty, what am I going to do with it?â€
â€œYouâ€™ll have to take it to the Vetâ€™s.â€
â€œThe Vetâ€™s? Itâ€™s dead you silly Bitch. Not even Rolf Harris and the entire staff of the Animal Hospital with Jesus Christ as back up doing miracles could get You Twat breathing again.â€
â€œThey have a pet cemetery. Behind the Vetâ€™s Surgery. Very tasteful I believe. Jane Truscott had her dog berried there, it was Â£120. Every pet has its own Stone. even goldfish.â€
â€œThey charge Â£120 for berrying a goldfish?â€
No, the price depends on the size of the pet. For a fish pet you could probably have a tuna or a few salmon berried for that price. Anyway Jane Truscott said Â£120 was a bargain.
â€œPerhaps we should get Jane Truscott to have it berried then because thereâ€™s no way Iâ€™m forking out Â£120.â€
â€œWell you canâ€™t leave it in the wheely bin for a week itâ€™ll start smelling soon. Instead of people complaining because it barks theyâ€™ll be complaining because it doesnâ€™t bark.â€
She was right. I had a dead body on my hands and I had to get rid of it somehow. It was still morning and there werenâ€™t any of the wifeâ€™s â€˜myâ€™ programmes on the telly until My Countdown at half past three so I watched four episodes of The Sopranos to get disposing of dead body ideas. In one of them Chris and Paulie cut Ralphie into small chunks with a band saw but that method of disposal is a bit too gruesome even for somebody like me who did his National Service as a cook in the Catering Core, and anyway I havenâ€™t got a band saw.
In the end I berried it in Razzaâ€™s back garden. There wasnâ€™t enough space in the borders for it so I dug a plot in his lawn and so it didnâ€™t look to much like a grave I planted a rose bush in it. It should do very well next year.