A Bug

July 21st 2006

Help! While I was in Lanzarote I picked up a bug.

Not the sort of bug that lays you low and has you rushing for the relief of the lavatory every five minutes for another quick burst of pot spraying, but the letter-writing bug.

Why I should have picked up this bug in Lanzarote I have no idea, especially as I didn’t even write a postcard while I was over there, let alone a letter, but I hadn’t got the bug when I left for Lanzarote so Lanzarote must be where I picked it up. (In fact I considered sending a postcard to Atkins Down The Road thanking him for the removal of the You Twat problem, as I’d been keeping an eye on his scribblings while I was away, but The Trouble said we’d probably get back before the card if the Lanzarote mail delivery system was half as lackadaisical as their waiters, so in the end I didn’t bother).

I’ve had the letter-writing bug twice before and by the time I finally managed to get it out of my system I’d compiled Dear Air 2000 and Dear Coca-Cola, books of correspondence between me and, respectively, airline companies and manufacturers of food and drink.

The problem, and the reason for my cry for help, is because I’m having difficulty in finding a suitable subject as the target for my wind-up letters this time round. I’ve thought maybe travel companies such as Thomas Cook and Go Greek but that would be in roughly the same area as Dear Air 2000. Perhaps a better possibility I have under consideration is letters to the firms who advertise in newspapers, such as stairlift firms and companies who advertise Trousers At Half High Street Prices etc, which would seem like an area I might be able to have a bit of fun with. “Dear Stannah Stairlifts, I am writing this letter from halfway up my stairs where my Stannah Stairlift has stuck again….”. “Dear Trousers At Half High Street Prices, your trousers may well be half the price it costs on the high street but then they should be, as after my wife put them in the washer at your recommended wash cycle they shrunk to half the size they were when I took delivery of them…”

But I’m not sure. So if any of you out there in Blogland has any ideas for a suitable subject I’d be very grateful if you could let me have them.