A Bug

July 21st 2006

Help! While I was in Lanzarote I picked up a bug.

Not the sort of bug that lays you low and has you rushing for the relief of the lavatory every five minutes for another quick burst of pot spraying, but the letter-writing bug.

Why I should have picked up this bug in Lanzarote I have no idea, especially as I didn’t even write a postcard while I was over there, let alone a letter, but I hadn’t got the bug when I left for Lanzarote so Lanzarote must be where I picked it up. (In fact I considered sending a postcard to Atkins Down The Road thanking him for the removal of the You Twat problem, as I’d been keeping an eye on his scribblings while I was away, but The Trouble said we’d probably get back before the card if the Lanzarote mail delivery system was half as lackadaisical as their waiters, so in the end I didn’t bother).

I’ve had the letter-writing bug twice before and by the time I finally managed to get it out of my system I’d compiled Dear Air 2000 and Dear Coca-Cola, books of correspondence between me and, respectively, airline companies and manufacturers of food and drink.

The problem, and the reason for my cry for help, is because I’m having difficulty in finding a suitable subject as the target for my wind-up letters this time round. I’ve thought maybe travel companies such as Thomas Cook and Go Greek but that would be in roughly the same area as Dear Air 2000. Perhaps a better possibility I have under consideration is letters to the firms who advertise in newspapers, such as stairlift firms and companies who advertise Trousers At Half High Street Prices etc, which would seem like an area I might be able to have a bit of fun with. “Dear Stannah Stairlifts, I am writing this letter from halfway up my stairs where my Stannah Stairlift has stuck again….”. “Dear Trousers At Half High Street Prices, your trousers may well be half the price it costs on the high street but then they should be, as after my wife put them in the washer at your recommended wash cycle they shrunk to half the size they were when I took delivery of them…”

But I’m not sure. So if any of you out there in Blogland has any ideas for a suitable subject I’d be very grateful if you could let me have them.

Published by

Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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