July Â 22nd 2006
The inflatable rubber man (called The Inflatable Husband) arrived in the post this morning in plain packaging. It wasnâ€™t as plain as The Inflatable husband! What a disappointment. I couldnâ€™t have been more disappointed if The Trouble had given me a promise and I jumped into bed to find sheâ€™d changed into Margaret Beckitt.
The Inflatable Husband is only one metre tall, as I suspected, not a normal-sized man with a one metre long cock, but not only that, it hasnâ€™t even got a cock. It resembles the picture of it on the box about as much as I resemble George Clooney, which isnâ€™t very much in case youâ€™re wondering girls. (And if you are wondering what I look like you can find out by going to this page , although I must confess the photo was taken some time ago. In fact the original was in sepia.)
But I digress. As I said The Inflatable Husband is not at all like the picture on the box, which is of a tall, good-looking, bronzed, bare-chested Lothario with a toned six pack â€“ in reality it looks more like the Roswell alien from space which fetched up in America some time ago, or a giant jelly baby.
Why would a woman want to buy such an object? It canâ€™t be for the reason that a man buys an inflatable rubber woman (Atkins Down The Road and I excepted), to have sex with it, because it hasnâ€™t got a cock. Unless thereâ€™s some way you can attach a dildo to it, but if there is it isnâ€™t apparent. And anyway why would a woman want to attach aÂ dildo to a 1 metre inflatable rubber man unless sheâ€™s into dwarves? In which case she should go out and get herself a real dwarf, Iâ€™m sure there are plenty of them going short, if youâ€™ll pardon the expression.
I suppose an optimist might say that the valve with which you blow it up could be a penis but as itâ€™s only half an inch long and in the middle of its back that might be straining credulity a little too far, even for a supreme optimist.
Itâ€™s certainly not going to be any use as an artificial car passenger, thatâ€™s for sure. Iâ€™ve tried it and it looks ridiculous. You can either stand it up or, with great difficulty, sit it down. The idea of the artificial passenger is of course to fool the police into believing itâ€™s a real passenger but I donâ€™t think even our police are thick enough to be fooled by a one metre high inflatable rubber man stood up on the seat, and if you sit it down they wouldnâ€™t be able to see it.
Atkins suggested we could try pumping it up a bit more until it was man-sized, above five feet tall he reckoned we could get away with, but by the time weâ€™d pumped it up to five feet tall it was five feet wide and we couldnâ€™t get in the car, let alone sit it down in it. Still it was only Â£7 so I wasnâ€™t expecting too much from it, and it was worth a try.