21st December 2006A meeting of BBC TV bigwigs is in progress. BBC CHAIRMAN: So thatâ€™s settled then, Prince Andrew will be BBC Sports Personality of the Year 2008.
BBC CONTROLLER: Making it the third leg of Royal treble.
BBC CHAIRMAN: Following Zara Phillipsâ€™s win for Three Day Eventing in 2006 and the Duke of Edinburgh victory in 2007 for insulting foreigners.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Carriage racing.
BBC CHAIRMAN: Â Whatever. So all that remains is to select the sport in which Prince Andrew will triumph.
BBC CONTROLLER: How about shagging?
BBC CHAIRMAN: Yes, a possibility, Iâ€™ve heard heâ€™s pretty good at that.
BBC CONTROLLER: Weâ€™ll pencil that in then.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Erâ€¦â€¦.?
BBC CHAIRMAN: Yes?
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Well, shaggingâ€¦..I mean it isnâ€™t a sport, is it.
BBC CHAIRMAN: I suppose not.
BBC CONTROLLER: Itâ€™s an indoor sport.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Even so, I donâ€™t think weâ€™d get away with it.
BBC CONTROLLER: How about flying then? Heâ€™s very good at flying. Flies anywhere and everywhere at the drop of a hat.
BBC CHAIRMAN: Yes, they donâ€™t call him Air Miles Andy for nothing.
BBC CONTROLLER: Andâ€¦.maybeâ€¦.?
BBC CHAIRMAN: Yes?
BBC CONTROLLER: Well I was thinkingâ€¦.if he happens to be a member of the five miles high club, which he very probably is, maybe we could give him a double award for flying and shagging?
BBC CHAIRMAN: Excellent. And if he could remember who it was he shagged we could give them the team award too.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Before you get too excited I think weâ€™ve more or less established that shagging isnâ€™t a sport. Nor is flying for that matter.
BBC CHAIRMAN: Well are there any real sports he takes part in?
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: He plays golf. Heâ€™s a six handicapper I believe.
BBC CONTROLLER: Excellent. Weâ€™ll make him BBC Sports Personality for his golf then.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: He would have to win something though.
BBC CHAIRMAN: Well canâ€™t he win that competition we coverâ€¦.what is it called?
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: The Open Championship. Actually itâ€™s getting on for the only golf competition we cover nowadays.
BBC CONTROLLER: Thatâ€™s makes it even better then.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Well it would be â€“ except that Prince Andrew has about as much chance of winning the Open Championship as I have.
BBC CHAIRMAN: Oh I donâ€™t think heâ€™d have to win it.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Zara Phillips won.
BBC CONTROLLER: Yes but she takes part in a sport nobody has heard of doesnâ€™t she. Golf is big time. Second or third would be good enough.
BBC HEAD OF SPORT: Believe me gentlemen if Prince Andrew were to enter the Open he would come in last, and by a long way.
BBC CHAIRMAN: Hmm, I donâ€™t think weâ€™d get away with that.
BBC CONTROLLER: Right, thereâ€™s only one thing for it. Take a note Miss Phelps.
â€˜BBC Grandstandâ€™s coverage of Rugby League, Three Day Eventing and Tiddlywinks will soon be augmented by the popular new sport of Shaggingâ€¦â€¦..â€™Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at Â£8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for Â£7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return. My address is â€“ Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL
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