The Aristocracy

4th January 2007

BBC Radio Five Live spent an hour yesterday morning discussing the proposition ‘Is the British aristocracy any use?’ I could have saved them the trouble. To put it as politely as I can members of the aristocracy are about are as much use as a chocolate teapot. To put it as impolitely as I can they are fucking parasitical freeloading sponging bastards.
However, thinking about it  today, I concede that they are of some use. Because if it wasn’t for the aristocracy there would be no such thing as chinless wonders. Which would mean that there was one less thing for we commoners to laugh at.
Then there’s the adverse affect it would cause on the silver spoon industry. For if there were no aristocrats they wouldn’t need silver spoons, one of which their children would be born with in their mouths.
And what about braying? We need people who bray otherwise we wouldn’t be able to take the piss out of them, so who would do the braying if there were no aristocrats?  We can’t expect Stephen Fry to do it all.
Finally we have the effect it would have on public schools if there was no longer an annual supply of the offspring of the aristocracy. I can just see the headlines. ‘Eton and Harrow to close down due to shortage of toffee-nosed gits’.
No, on reflection the aristocracy are of tremendous use. Long may they live. The twats.

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