16th January 2007While I was out walking yesterday a van passed me. It was white, my least favourite colour of van. Written on the side of it were the words ‘Sid’s Removals. Anytime, Anywhere’. It had disappeared into the distance before I could get Sid’s telephone number but fortunately it was in the local telephone directory. I phone this morning.
SID: Hello.ME: Sid’s Removals?
SID: Yes.ME: Anytime, Anywhere?
SID: Yes.ME: I want you to take an elephant to the Isle of Man for me.
Silence for several seconds.ME: Hello?
SID: Did you say elephant?ME: Yes. To the Isle of Man. You see I have two private zoos, one here and one in Douglas, and I want to transfer the elephant from one zoo to the other. And there’ll be a sabre-toothed tiger to bring back. So I was wondering if you’d be interested? Only Pickfords won’t do it.
More silence.ME: Hello?
SID: You see I only usually do small house removals and stuff.ME: Well an elephant is nowhere near as big as a small house so there shouldn’t be a problem. Even so Psycho is – don’t worry about his name by the way, I think that’s what put Pickfords off, but he’s nowhere near as violent as he was when we christened him – even so Psycho is a pretty large elephant.
More silence.ME: Hello?
SID: I don’t think I can help you.ME: What?
SID: In this instance.ME: In which instance can you help me get my elephant to the Isle of Man then?
SID: Well not in any instance I suppose.ME: You realise you’re in breach of the Trade Descriptions Act, Section 2, subsection 3B do you?
SID: What?ME: ‘Anytime, Anywhere’. That’s what it says on you van.
SID: Yeh but……ME: And you can save the Vicky Pollard impression. I expect you to accept this commission; failing that the next time I see your van I will expect you to have either painted out the false claim ‘Anytime, Anywhere’ or added to it the words ‘Except Elephants To The Isle of Man’. Is that understood?
SID: Silence.ME: I said is that understood?
SID: This is a wind up, isn’t it? ME: Fail to do as I have just instructed you and you will find out if it’s a wind up or not my good man! I put the phone down. In the meantime The Trouble had come in from the kitchen and had been eavesdropping. THE TROUBLE: It’s a pity you’ve nothing better to do.ME: I have. I’ve got two zoos to run, but these people must be put in their place.
Have you seen the stiff brush anywhere, I need it to muck out the llamas?
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Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL
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