18th January 2007
Please, sit down,â€ I said to Martin Kemp as we entered my living room.
â€œCheers,â€ said Martin. He took a seat on our three-seater settee and gave one of the cushions an appreciative pat.
â€œCan I get you a coffee or something?â€ I said.
â€œCoffee would be lovely, thank you.â€ Then he got to his feet and went to our two-seater settee and plopped himself down on it in an exaggerated manner. â€œHmm, very comfy,â€ he said.
â€œA biscuit perhaps?â€ I suggested to my guest. â€œWe have chocolate digestive and Hobnobs.
â€œHave you got another settee?â€ said Martin?
â€œJust the chocolate digestives and HobNobs Iâ€™m afraid.
â€œNo, I mean another settee to sit on?â€
â€œSorry, not down here. Thereâ€™s the easy chair.â€ I pointed to the easy chair in the corner. Martin got up, walked over to it, patted the seat to test for springiness, then sat down on it, crossing his legs. He expelled his breath in appreciation. Aah.â€
I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on and put tea in the teapot. When I returned there was no sign of Martin. â€œMartin!â€ I called. â€œMartin!â€
â€œUp here in the bedroom, on your uncut moquette settee,â€ Martin called back. â€œYou rather gave the game away when I asked you if you had another settee and you said â€˜Not down here.â€
â€œHave you any more settees?â€
â€œOnly an old one in the garage covered in oil one with the springs sticking out that we threw out years ago.â€
I heard his footsteps coming down the stairs and then the front door opening and closing. As soon as he had entered the garage I locked it and sent for the men in white coats.
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Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL