A Visit From Martin Kemp

18th January 2007

Please, sit down,” I said to Martin Kemp as we entered my living room.
“Cheers,” said Martin. He took a seat on our three-seater settee and gave one of the cushions an appreciative pat.
“Can I get you a coffee or something?” I said.
“Coffee would be lovely, thank you.” Then he got to his feet and went to our two-seater settee and plopped himself down on it in an exaggerated manner. “Hmm, very comfy,” he said.
“A biscuit perhaps?” I suggested to my guest. “We have chocolate digestive and Hobnobs.
“Have you got another settee?” said Martin?
“Just the chocolate digestives and HobNobs I’m afraid.
“No, I mean another settee to sit on?”
“Sorry, not down here. There’s the easy chair.” I pointed to the easy chair in the corner. Martin got up, walked over to it, patted the seat to test for springiness, then sat down on it, crossing his legs. He expelled his breath in appreciation. Aah.”
I went into the kitchen to put the kettle on and put tea in the teapot. When I returned there was no sign of Martin. “Martin!” I called. “Martin!”
“Up here in the bedroom, on your uncut moquette settee,” Martin called back. “You rather gave the game away when I asked you if you had another settee and you said ‘Not down here.”
“Silly me.”
“Have you any more settees?”
“Only an old one in the garage covered in oil one with the springs sticking out that we threw out years ago.”
I heard his footsteps coming down the stairs and then the front door opening and closing. As soon as he had entered the garage I locked it and sent for the men in white coats.

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