26th January 2007

In the front garden of the house was the complete back axle assembly of a large lorry, a car wing, a supermarket trolley with the wheels missing, a pram with the wheels missing, two bike frames, a bath, half a WC, a roll of carpet, two live hens and sundry other bric-a-brac including paper and polythene packaging and leaves. All, except for the two hens, were partially submerged in what was once a lawn but now resembled elephant grass. The front door bore traces of the last three colours it had been painted and had ‘Piss Off’ in large letters written on it in spray paint. Atkins Down The Road and I approached the door. Atkins knocked on it. It was answered by a man who hadn’t troubled himself to put on a shirt that day, relying on just his filthy vest to impress any callers.
“Congratulations,” said Atkins. “You have won the ‘Shit Garden of the Year’ trophy.”
“For the second year running,” I added, holding up the trophy, an old tyre that Atkins and I had sprayed metallic Gold.
“Oh it’s you two twats again, is it,” said the proud winner. “Why don’t you fuck off and mind your own business.”
“Cluck cluck,” said one of the hens, as if in agreement with its master’s sentiments.
“It is our business when your garden brings down the whole tone of the neighbourhood and wipes God knows how much value off the properties in the immediate vicinity,” I said.
“One of which is mine,” said Atkins, meaningfully.
“There’s no law says I have to keep my garden tidy,” said the man. “This isn’t a council house.”
“I realize that, you’d have been turfed out years ago if it was,” I said.
“Fuck off,” the man said, and slammed the door in our faces.
I threw the trophy on the pile of junk already in the garden. It increased it in volume by about one per cent.
“Looks like it will have to be Plan B,” said Atkins, as we departed.

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 Dear Air 2000

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