31st January 2007
I read an article in the newspaper the other day which made the amazing claim that men secretly lust after fat women in preference to women with nice figures. Apparently top of the lust list of these strange people is daytime TV presenter Fern Britton. Fern Britton? I think Iâ€™d rather put my dick in a giant pink blancmange. Come to think of shagging Fern Britton would probably be like putting your dick in a giant pink blancmange. Especially if she started wobbling; which she would no doubt do once the shagging commenced.
Personally I donâ€™t believe a word of the claim. Itâ€™s probably something thatâ€™s been dreamt up by the Fern Britton Fan Club or Friends of Dawn French or the Junk Food Marketing Board or something.
And in an effort to prove my belief, I conducted a poll in the pub last night. Ten men were polled, all men of the world, including such experts in shagging as Atkins Down The Road and the landlord, the latter of whom has been married four times and was once charged with statutory rape, although he was found not guilty on appeal.
The question I put to them was this: â€˜Who would you rather shag, Fern Britton or Kristin Scott Thomas?â€™ Nine men voted for Kristin Scott Thomas, and one man voted for Fern Britton. However on questioning the man who voted for Fern Britton it was revealed that he had never heard of Kristin Scott Thomas and had only plumped (his expression) for Fern Britton in case Kristin Scott Thomas was worse. All nine of us in the Kristin camp quickly put him right on the subject of the delectable Miss Scott Thomas and he changed his vote immediately.
When you add to this overwhelming evidence the fact that although I have frequently heard men in my company say â€˜Cor, look at the arse on thatâ€™ and â€™Cor, look at the tits on thatâ€™ I have yet to hear anyone say â€˜Cor, look a the fat on thatâ€™,Â
the case that your average man doesnâ€™t lust after fat women is pretty conclusive.
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Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL