A Political Statement

A statement from the office of The Hon P. Trough, Conservative, Member Parliament for Hogs Bottom, Gloucs.

In light of recent events concerning my colleague The Hon Derek Conway M.P. and the employment of his two sons as research assistants whilst they were studying at university, I feel it prudent to place on record that I too employ my two sons as research assistants whilst they are up at Cambridge. However the difference is that whilst my colleague’s sons apparently did little or nothing to earn the salaries and bonuses they were paid, my sons Toby and Troy earn every penny.

For never less than thirty five hours a week, often more, several of these hours being at weekend, my elder son Toby carries out on my behalf research into university drinking habits. This necessarily involves him going out every night into the public houses of Cambridge and consuming large amounts of lager, before moving on to shorts. Naturally this costs quite a lot of money, which is why he is allowed £15,000 a year in expenses on top of his £10,000 per annum research assistant salary and £1,500 annual bonus.

My younger son Troy, who is carrying out research into university student cocaine abuse, is paid the same salary and bonus as his brother, but as cocaine is more expensive than alcohol, and as he has twice had to undergo expensive rehab at The Priory, his expenses at £40,000 are consequently higher.

I would further like to place on record that I pay our dog Rover £10,000 per annum and £1500 annual bonus for research into barking and similar amounts to our cat Tiddles for research into shitting in the neighbours’ gardens.

There is no truth in the rumour that I have a goldfish, Cameron, who I pay £10,000 a year and a £1500 yearly bonus for research into going round and round in a goldfish bowl. Cameron is an Angel Fish.






Newcastle United

Newcastle United Football Club. Minutes of meeting held Feb 1st 2008.

Chairman Mr Chris Mort opened the meeting. He said that the first item on the agenda was the strengthening the team. Mr Denis Wise, Executive Director (Football) said that in the light of the last few results this was clearly a priority. Mr Tony Jiminez, Vice President (Player Recruitment) said he was already working on this with Mr Jeff Vetere, Technical Co-Ordinator (Yet To Be Given A Defining Specific To Put In Parentheses), and Mr Kevin Keegan, First Team Coach (Fall Guy).  Mr Jiminez stated that shoring up the defence was the first priority and to this end he had already been in touch with Chelsea and Tottenham Hotspurs reference the availability of full backs Ashley Cole (Stupid Tosser) and Pascal Chimbonda (Money-grubbing Twat). Mr Keegan stated that whilst he appreciated the importance of a sound defence what was needed even more urgently was some flare up front, and with this in mind he would like to put in a firm bid for either Chelsea’s Didier Drogba (Sulky Bastard) or Nikolas Anelka (Even More Sulky Bastard), and went on to say that money for the transfer fee for either could be raised by the sale of Nicky Butt (Past It) Steven Carr (Plonker) and  Joey Barton (Hot-headed Psychopathic Cunt). At that point tea and biscuits were served by the tea lady Mrs Scoggins (Old Scrubber). A vote was then taken on (Cont on page 93)




There was a strange item on the local news tonight. A woman tried to kill her husband by putting anti-freeze in his wine. It didn’t kill him but it put him in a coma for four months and left him with brain damage and a damaged kidney. However the good news is that he never feels the cold any more.

Russell Brand

Can anyone explain to me what is even remotely funny about Russell Brand? Please.


And it it true that when David Beckham saw all those undernourished children in Africa he said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about, the wife’s thinner than most of them.”