Flying Has Never Been So Fraught

All airplanes used by uneasyJet have at least six inches less leg space between the seats than all other airlines, for extra discomfort. By holding in you stomach and

clenching your buttocks you can just about squeeze yourself in. However, eating

your inflight meal off the drop down tray on the back of the seat in front should not be a problem, so long as you are a victim of thalidomide. It is advisable to remain in your seat for the entire flight.

This shouldn’t be a problem; a problem would be if

you wanted to leave your seat as due to the cramped conditions your limbs lock

up after a very short while. Apart from that there is is nothing to get up for

as our airplanes don’t have any lavatories.

‘Flying On A Wing And A Prayer’, our inflight magazine and pull out centre page sick bag, can be found in the compartment on the back of Seat B Row 6.

All our stewardesses are guaranteed to be suffering from PMT.

Any uneasyJet passenger wishing the person seated next to them to suck mints noisily and keep sniffing throughout the entire journey should make this clear when making the booking. Otherwise they will get someone next to them who has a squawking baby and keeps farting every few minutes.

The exchange rate when buying our duty free goods in euros is ten euros to the groat.

The inflight entertainment includes ten audio channels offering a diverse range of talk programmes and music to suit all tastes, but whatever channel you tune in to you get James Blunt singing You Are Beautiful.

The inflight movie is Sister Act, both on the outgoing and returning journeys, from now until 2020. If anyone shows signs of enjoying this film they will be slapped, then forcibly restrained for the rest of the flight and handed over to men in white coats upon landing.

Only one item of hand luggage is allowed on board unless you are a dusky- featured person, maybe wearing a turban, in which case two items will be allowed, one of which can be highly suspicious-looking.

Regardless of their destination, all uneasyJet flights fly over Iranian air space to take in the scenery, and touch down in Afghanistan for refuelling.

Bon voyage

Geoff bin Laden

Chief Executive, uneasyJet