Any Budding Female TV Presenters Out There?

Opportunities in Television Presenting

Female? English? Well educated? Good diction? Excellent communication skills? Can’t get a job as a television presenter? That’s because you don’t have a Scottish accent. 80 percent of female television presenters now have a Scottish accent, although it often seems more than that. Now you can join them. Simply sign on for a course of lessons with Scotspeak and a career in television presenting will be yours for the asking.

Be just like the Scottish presenter who murders ‘chirpy’ who fronts the snooker on BBC 2!

Here’s what one of our successful clients said on completing our course. ‘Who the fuck are youse lookin’ at, Jimmy?’

Another said ‘I’ll away the noo boogle an’ scottle the wee hinnie.’ *

Yet another said ‘The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain’, but she was a really thick woman from Newcastle so it doesn’t count.

*No, we don’t know what it means either, but that doesn’t appear to be a problem, as having a good Scottish accent is seemingly the only criteria demanded by the television companies. In fact the girl in question is now presenting Panorama.

Once you have joined our course you have only to select the Scottish accent of your choice and you’re on your way. We’re certain to have an accent you like. Our range goes through the complete spectrum of Scottish accents from a gentle Highland lilt, through guttural Glaswegian, all the way to the noise like a stuck pig made by that bird with shoulders like a prop forward who sometimes does the National Lotto.

So don’t delay. In a few short weeks you could be the next Lorraine Kelly, or even someone attractive.

Write to –



The Wee Cottage