A Political Statement

A statement from the office of The Hon P. Trough, Conservative, Member Parliament for Hogs Bottom, Gloucs.

In light of recent events concerning my colleague The Hon Derek Conway M.P. and the employment of his two sons as research assistants whilst they were studying at university, I feel it prudent to place on record that I too employ my two sons as research assistants whilst they are up at Cambridge. However the difference is that whilst my colleague’s sons apparently did little or nothing to earn the salaries and bonuses they were paid, my sons Toby and Troy earn every penny.

For never less than thirty five hours a week, often more, several of these hours being at weekend, my elder son Toby carries out on my behalf research into university drinking habits. This necessarily involves him going out every night into the public houses of Cambridge and consuming large amounts of lager, before moving on to shorts. Naturally this costs quite a lot of money, which is why he is allowed £15,000 a year in expenses on top of his £10,000 per annum research assistant salary and £1,500 annual bonus.

My younger son Troy, who is carrying out research into university student cocaine abuse, is paid the same salary and bonus as his brother, but as cocaine is more expensive than alcohol, and as he has twice had to undergo expensive rehab at The Priory, his expenses at £40,000 are consequently higher.

I would further like to place on record that I pay our dog Rover £10,000 per annum and £1500 annual bonus for research into barking and similar amounts to our cat Tiddles for research into shitting in the neighbours’ gardens.

There is no truth in the rumour that I have a goldfish, Cameron, who I pay £10,000 a year and a £1500 yearly bonus for research into going round and round in a goldfish bowl. Cameron is an Angel Fish.