Category: Razzamatazz

The other day I saw a variation of the ubiquitous ‘Baby On Board’ stickers that some people find it necessary to have displayed in the rear window of their cars. It read: ‘Small Person On Board’. I thought at first that it meant the car was being driven by a dwarf, and was a variation on the Long Vehicle/Short Vehicle sticker joke, but on looking in the car saw that the small person referred to was a toddler.
Since then, and with time always on my hands, a benefit or curse, depending upon your disposition, that comes with retirement, I have spent quite a bit of time looking at cars to see if I could spot any more ‘Small Person On Board’ stickers. I found several. I also found two or three ‘Cheeky Little Monkey On Board’ stickers. I did not however, as might be expected, all children by no means being little angels, see any ‘Little Twat On Board’ stickers. Nor any “Whingeing Little Git On Board’ stickers.
There is obviously a gap in the market here, and after having a talk with Atkins Down The Road my good friend and I intend to fill it. We are already looking at the economics of bringing out ‘Little Twat On Board’ and “Whingeing Little Git On Board’ stickers, plus a ‘Little Fucking Mardarse On Board’ and we are of the opinion that we should be able to put them on the market for under two pounds.
Suggestions for other obnoxious children stickers are most welcome.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

I read an article in the newspaper the other day which made the amazing claim that men secretly lust after fat women in preference to women with nice figures. Apparently top of the lust list of these strange people is daytime TV presenter Fern Britton. Fern Britton? I think I’d rather put my dick in a giant pink blancmange. Come to think of shagging Fern Britton would probably be like putting your dick in a giant pink blancmange. Especially if she started wobbling; which she would no doubt do once the shagging commenced.
Personally I don’t believe a word of the claim. It’s probably something that’s been dreamt up by the Fern Britton Fan Club or Friends of Dawn French or the Junk Food Marketing Board or something.
And in an effort to prove my belief, I conducted a poll in the pub last night. Ten men were polled, all men of the world, including such experts in shagging as Atkins Down The Road and the landlord, the latter of whom has been married four times and was once charged with statutory rape, although he was found not guilty on appeal.
The question I put to them was this: ‘Who would you rather shag, Fern Britton or Kristin Scott Thomas?’ Nine men voted for Kristin Scott Thomas, and one man voted for Fern Britton. However on questioning the man who voted for Fern Britton it was revealed that he had never heard of Kristin Scott Thomas and had only plumped (his expression) for Fern Britton in case Kristin Scott Thomas was worse. All nine of us in the Kristin camp quickly put him right on the subject of the delectable Miss Scott Thomas and he changed his vote immediately.
When you add to this overwhelming evidence the fact that although I have frequently heard men in my company say ‘Cor, look at the arse on that’ and ’Cor, look at the tits on that’ I have yet to hear anyone say ‘Cor, look a the fat on that’, 

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000

Today Atkins Down The Road and I played a new game suggested by fellow blogger Scaryduck.
The game is for either Atkins or me to pretend we are someone who is mentally ill and has been released into the community, while the other of us acts the part of his carer. Ever since Scaryduck suggested the game I have been on the lookout for the chance to try it out and such an opportunity presented itself this morning when I passed a shop that sold cameras and telescopes. There was a large SALE sign in the window that drew my attention and I had stopped to see what they had in their window as I’m on the lookout for a some zoom lens binoculars. There weren’t any binoculars in the sale but there was something far more desirable. Gold. In the form of a small camera, on offer at £10.99, which was claimed, according to the sale sticker on it, to be idiotproof.
Before anyone else could buy it I immediately called in on Atkins, and thirty minutes later we were in the camera shop asking to see the idiotproof camera. The sales assistant got the camera out of the window and placed it on the counter for our consideration. “There you go.”
“It is idiotproof, is it?” I said, looking at it doubtfully.
“Oh absolutely.”
Atkins looked at the camera in big-eyed awe then turned to the assistant and said, like a little boy in a pet shop asking if he could hold a puppy, “Can I hold it please?” 
“Jimmy is on day release from the mental hospital,” I explained to the assistant, in hushed tones.
“Ah,” the assistant nodded knowingly. He didn’t know anything, poor bugger. “Of course you can pick it up, Jimmy,” he said to Atkins, with a condescending smile.
Atkins picked up the camera, examined it as though it could just as well have been a piece of moon rock as much as a camera, as far as he knew, then smashed it down viciously on the counter top. The first time he did this it probably rendered the camera beyond repair but just in case it hadn’t Atkins repeated the treatment two more times then dropped it on the counter. It sat there looking like something that had just emerged from a car crusher.
Atkins looked at me. “It broke, Arthur,” he said. “Camera broke.”
“Yes Jimmy,” I said. I turned to the assistant and said: “I thought you said it was idiotproof?”
The assistant was in shock. He just stood with his mouth open, looking at Atkins.
“I thought you said the camera was idiotproof,” I repeated, this time a little testily.
“But…but he smashed it,” the assistant said, still not quite able to believe what he had witnessed. “He smashed it to bits.”
“Well of course he did,” I said. “He’s an idiot. That’s what idiots do.”
Atkins picked up a piece of the camera and examined it. “Camera no good now Arthur,” he pronounced, wisely.
“Not much good in the first place if you ask me, Jimmy,” I said, with a meaningful look at the assistant. “And certainly not idiotproof. Come along, we’ll try Boots, I believe they do a good throw away camera.”
“Can Jimmy throw it away?” said Atkins. “Jimmy like throwing things.”
We left the shop without looking back. Five yards down the road I thought I heard a shout of ‘Hey, come back here!’ from the shop but I probably imagined it.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

You can write to me at –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Dear Air 2000