Bankers

19th December 2006

Below is a copy of a letter I sent to Tony Blair today. I wonder how the slippery one will deal with it. I wonder if he will deal with it?

The Prime Minister

10 Downing Street

London

Dear Prime Minister

Last week I drew from my Derbyshire Building Society account a cheque for £40,000 and paid it into my Barclays current account in order to transfer it to my bank account in Turkey, to facilitate the payment for a property I recently purchased there. I was informed by Barclays that it would take five working days to clear the cheque before the money could be transferred. I pointed out to the bank clerk that God had created the entire heaven and earth in six days and that therefore five days just to clear a cheque seemed an inordinate length of time, particularly as the branch of the Derbyshire Building Society on which I drew the cheque and the branch of Barclays at which I presented it about a minute later are less than fifty yards apart. This cut no ice at all. I didn’t think it would.

I would point out that if Barclays were to invest my  £40,000 in question for five working days (in fact one week since they don’t work Saturdays and Sundays), at a rate of five per cent (and this is the absolute minimum return on the money they would obtain), that they would make a profit on my money of £38.46. When you take in to account that this is just one cheque clearance and that Barclays – and all the other banks – are clearing many millions of cheques per year you might agree with me that this is nothing but larceny, and on a grand scale, and rampant capitalism.

What, if anything, does a good socialist such as you plan to do about this situation?

Yours sincerely

Terry Ravenscroft

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

My address is –

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL

Our Apartment In Turkey

18th December 2006 

 

I’m an early riser and on our first morning in Turkey I got up about six and went out for a walk, leaving The Trouble still slumbering in bed, probably dreaming about ways to avoid going to the lavatory during our three day stay.

The resort we stayed in is called Altinkum, on the Aegean Sea, and very nice it is too. It is very clean, there are several sandy beaches and the weather, even for December, was lovely. However the place is being developed on a massive scale and within a half mile radius of the hotel in which we stayed there are literally hundreds of apartment blocks being built, many of them finished and awaiting buyers. (In fact according to my information a high proportion of them have already been bought (Almost all by the British) while still unfinished).

All the apartment blocks are built to a high specification and finished on the exterior in a variety of ways. As I wandered around unmolested but for the ever present dogs you get in Turkey I noticed that while some of them were simply finished in cement rendering painted in a variety of pastel colours the majority were clad in marble tiles. Often the tiles made pictures of things like palm trees and beaches. They were all for the most part quite attractive-looking but the sight of one apartment block brought me to a halt with its bizarre ugliness. Its façade was composed of white and dark blue ceramic tiles in a variety of patterns and looked for all the world liked the inside of a particularly ornate Victorian public lavatory. So I had a piss on it and carried on.

The apartment we bought is something of a bargain. It cost us £44,000 inclusive of all legal fees and is fully furnished. (The accent is on ‘fully’ as it includes just about everything; fridge, freezer, cooker, washing machine, television, toaster, cutlery, table and chairs, three-piece suite, curtains, everything.) The accommodation comprises a large living room with kitchen area, two double bedrooms, a large fully-tiled bathroom with Jacuzzi and shower, and a large terrace. All the rooms are air conditioned. All the floors are marble. There is a swimming pool about ten yards from the terrace. An electric boiler is included for continuous hot water. Satellite TV is included and broadband is on tap for £7 a month. The sandy beach is 200 yards away in a little bay and there’s a frequent free bus service into Altinkum town centre about three miles away. The services of a Turkish belly dancer are available free of charge. A masseuse is available to the man of the household three times a week and will give hand relief for 2 euros, blow jobs for three and further services if required, fee to be negotiated. All right, I’m exaggerating. Only the living room has a marble floor, the bedrooms and bathroom have porcelain tiles. I can’t wait until it’s finished, next October. 

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return. 

 

My address is – 

 

 

Terry Ravenscroft, 19 Ventura Court, Ollersett Avenue, New Mills, High Peak, SK22 4LL


Trip to Turkey

17th December 2006

I’ve just got back from a trip to Turkey where The Trouble and I went for a weekend courtesy of a company called Parador Properties. The purpose of the visit was to look at flats with a view to buying one if we saw something we liked at the right price. We saw something we liked and bought. Not without a few trials and tribulations of course. The first trial, or maybe it was a tribulation, I’ve always had difficulty knowing which is which, happened at Manchester Airport prior to boarding the plane.

The information on the departure board reference our flight had just changed from ‘Proceed to Gate 44’ to ‘Now Boarding’. The Trouble, perfectly on cue, now decided she wanted to go to the lavatory. I pointed out to her that we had been sat in the departure lounge for the past forty five minutes and asked her why she hadn’t gone then. She said she didn’t want to go then. This didn’t come as news to me, the self same thing has happened scores of times before, in fact every time we fly somewhere. Apparently there is some mechanism in her system that takes her directly from a state of not wanting to go to the lavatory to a state of wanting to go to the lavatory in an instant, and at the precise moment the departure indicator information changes from ‘Proceed to Gate 44 or whatever’ to ‘Now Boarding’. It’s the same mechanism that causes her to want to go to the lavatory every time we are going out together and immediately after she’s just said ‘Right, off we go then’ or something similar, and acting in good faith I’ve gone to the front door and opened in readiness for our departure.

Knowing I was wasting my time but asking her all the same, just to let her know I was annoyed with her, I said: “Why don’t you go when you get on the plane?”

I was well aware of the futility of this enquiry because to my certain knowledge The Trouble, despite being an inveterate traveller who must have racked up more air miles than Prince Andrew, has in all her years of air travel yet to see the inside of an airplane lavatory. They are a complete mystery to her. For all she knows orgies could be taking place in them, although she probably suspects this isn’t the case otherwise I’d be visiting them a lot more than I do.

One of her many flights was to Australia, first stop Singapore. She must be the only person in the world to have travelled from Manchester to Singapore without having a pee. To make sure that she wouldn’t have to pee while on the airplane she had a pee before getting on board – when the departure indicator changed from ‘Wait in Lounge’ to ‘Proceed to Gate 37’ – and had nothing at all to drink during the entire journey.

I don’t know why she refuses to use the onboard toilet facilities; I’ve asked her but all I get for my pains is a look of wonder that anyone should risk using an airplane lavatory. Maybe because she has visions of falling through the bottom of the W.C. from a height of 35,000 feet. Suggestions on a postcard or in the Comments sections please.

Ignore this if you have already read it. My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.

My address is –

Terry Ravenscroft

19 Ventura Court

Ollersett Avenue < BR>

New Mills

High Peak

SK22 4LL

Razzamatazz Books

16th December 2006 My books Dear Air 2000 and Football Crazy are now in print. They are priced at £8.99 each and are available from Amazon, but readers of my blog can buy them direct from me for £7.50 including p & p. Just send me a cheque and I will send the book/books by return.   My address is –   

Terry Ravenscroft

19 Ventura Court

Ollersett Avenue

New Mills
High Peak
SK22 4LL   

While I’m writing this The Trouble is watching Strictly Come Dancing as is her wont. Every week I try to get Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly voted off, to no avail. Who likes the smutty old git and his brainless bimbo of a co-host?