Gay?

April 22nd 2006
 

The world, after threatening to for so long, has finally gone mad. According the today’s newspaper the Lord Chancellor and his staff will no longer be referring to homosexuals as homosexuals, as it may upset them. Instead they will refer to them as gay. For crying out loud, they should be doing exactly the opposite, refusing to call them gay and insisting on calling them homosexuals!

Until the homosexual fraternity appropriated the word gay its only dictionary definition was ‘happy and carefree’. I for one, and I know there are many more like me who hold a similar view, wish it had stayed that way.
 

Having dual definitions of the word can be misleading to say the least. For example I recently attended a revival of the musical ‘The Desert Song’, a show in which the song ‘The French Military Marching Song’ is part of the libretto. For those not familiar with the musical it’s the song in which one of the leading characters implores everyone else on stage to ‘Come boys, let’s all be gay boys’, an invitation which obviously means ‘Come boys, let’s all be happy and carefree’ and not ‘Come boys, let’s all be homosexuals’. However anyone in the audience under the age of thirty must have wondered, on completion of the song, why the rest of the cast didn’t pair up and disappear behind the sand dunes holding each other’s hands.

Let me say without going any further that I have nothing against homosexuals. It is not my way, and never could be. Christ I once had a doctor poke his index finger up my bottom in search of my prostate gland and that was bad enough. But just because I don’t want to do what they do doesn’t mean to say that I don’t respect their right to do it, as they no doubt respect my right to engage in ‘normal’ sex. For who is to say that I am right and they are wrong? Not me, certainly. Although, if indeed there is a right and a wrong, and as one of the main features of ‘normal’ sex is procreation, I would maintain that until such time as someone is made pregnant by having a penis pump sperms up his rectum that the ‘normal’ method of having it is most certainly not the wrong one.
 

Having said that I am perfectly happy for homosexuals to go about their lives as they see fit. As I have already said, I have nothing against them. And hopefully I never will have anything against them. Especially my genitals. And excepting of course the fact that they have hijacked the word ‘gay’ for their exclusive use.
 

I have often asked myself why they found this necessary, for they already had words in abundance to describe themselves. Homo, bent, queer, to name but three. Brown hatter, pillow biter, shitstabber, to name three more. Shirtlifter, turd turner, uphill gardener, one who bats for the other side, one who swings the other way, nancy boy, poofter, pansy, willie woofter, the titles are legion.
 

Apparently though none of them were good enough and they had to pinch one of my words. But why did it have to be ‘gay’? If nothing else it is a contradiction in terms to use a word that means ‘happy and carefree’ since, for anyone other than a homosexual, one would be anything but ‘happy and carefree’ if one’s anal passage was being invaded by something which must feel to him like the business end of a baseball bat. Good, I’m glad I’ve got that off my chest.

Have a gay day. 

Published by

Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

4 thoughts on “Gay?”

  2. Talking of bum words, I remembering enjoying how the American gay blogging community, a couple of years ago, wanted to expropriate the name of that uptight virulently anti-gay US senator Rick Santorum (http://santorum. senate.gov/public/).

    “Santorum” sounds a bit medicalish and serious. So they proposed that it should mean the delightful mixture of shit and spunk that results from the joyous act of gay copulation.

    Bon appetit to you too.

  3. A report has just been received from Squadron Leader Camp and the crew of the Enola Homo that their mission to nuke the crap out of the strategically vital Japanese Anal Passage has been successful….oh what a loverly war

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