Walking The Dog

June 9th 2006

“Can I take your dog for a walk?”

Liz Pollitt looked me up and down. “What you say?”

“I’d like to take You Twat….your dog for a walk, if that’s possible?”

“Are you fuckin’ mental or somefink?”

“Look I really would like to take your dog out for a walk.”

“An’ I’d like to be Liz ‘urley, so fuck off.”

I gritted my teeth. This was proving to be harder than I’d expected. “Please? Please let me take your dog for a walk.”

“Why?”

“In the hope that it will stop barking.”

“It’s not barkin’.”

“Not at the moment, no, but when you and your family are out of the house it does nothing else. Except for when it’s howling. I think if it’s taken for a regular walk it won’t bark and howl so much.”

“The twat can bark an ‘owl all it wants for all I care. S’ free country innit.”

I was getting nowhere fast. An incentive was called for. “I’m willing to pay of course.”

“Pay?”

“A fiver.”

She looked me up and down, as suspicious as a milk bill. “Why would a geezah pay somebody to take their dog for a walk?”

I feigned surprise. “Well for the sheer pleasure of it of course. Surely you’ve heard of a dog walking service? Whereby people pay dog owners to take their dog for a walk?

Her brow creased as her underemployed brain wrestled with this concept. “I fought it was like the dog owners what paid to ‘ave their dogs walked?”

“No, it’s the other way round.”

She didn’t need any more persuading. “Five pahnds you said?”

I took out my wallet. “You’d better introduce us.”

You Twat started barking as soon as he saw me but I’m not bad with dogs and I soon made friends with him; or perhaps he quietened down because he was fearful I’d slip him another spiked meatball.

“Right, I’ll take him out tomorrow morning when you’re all out. Where’s his lead?”

“It hasn’t got one.” She thought for a moment. “I can problee find a lengf of rope somewhere.”

You Twat on the end of a lengf of rope might prove to be too tempting and we might never make it out of the back garden, so I declined. “No problem,” I said. “I’ll buy him one.”

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Razzamatazz

Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things. Hi. I’m Terry Ravenscroft, I’m aged 67 and…..whoooah, come back, I’m not ready to have the lid nailed down on my coffin just yet. Anyway I’m a very young 67. (About five years ago I went to see Pulp at the Manchester Evening News Arena. I was older than everyone else by at least 35 years. The eighteen-year-old next to me asked me if I’d ever been to the venue before. I replied ‘Yes I saw George Formby here once’. She’d never heard of him.) This blog is going to be about my life and the way I see things. Before I retired I was a comedy scriptwriter for Les Dawson and Smith and Jones amongst others so there’s a sporting chance that some of the things I write will be funny. One of the reasons I’m writing this blog, although by no means the only reason, is because I have a website www.topcomedy.co.uk which I hope you will log on to occasionally. I have yet to meet anybody who doesn’t like Dear Air 2000…. My hobbies are walking, playing crown green bowls, watching football, birdwatching , cooking, and, according to The Trouble, moaning. Oh, and I have a thing about Kristen Scott Thomas. A couple of people I will be mentioning from time to time are The Trouble and Atkins Down The Road. The Trouble is my wife. I don’t call her The Trouble because it’s cockney rhyming slang for ‘wife, trouble and strife’, but because she has the habit of starting sentences, especially to me, with the words ‘The trouble with you is….’ Then goes on to complete the rest of the sentence with words like ‘you never listen when I’m talking to you’ or ‘you never see the other person’s point of view’ or some such other frivolous complaint. Atkins Down The Road is my best friend and lives, not surprisingly, down the road. I started a weblog a couple of years ago but stopped doing it to write a novel about golf called ‘A Good Walk Spoiled.’ If you want to read the weblog it can be found on my website, if you want to read the novel it can be found on my other website, Razzamatazz, at www.razza.fsnet.co.uk along with lots of other things.

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